the camera doesn't lie... or does it...

so today . . . i am on diandra's blog...

i have mixed feelings about this.  i have come to the conclusion that i am not photogenic, so being featured on a photography blog makes me a little uneasy.  however, the photography blog belongs to my daughter, who thinks i am "cute."  i think she is blinded by love.  but, whatever, there i am...

i don't think the pictures are horrible.  the dress was beautiful, the light was gorgeous, the shoes were unexpected--yet sparkly!  and the photographer was amazing!  the problem was my hair...

...my hair.  the bane of my existence.  my hair has always been an issue for me.  until a few years ago, i was never happy with how it looked.  i tried it long and straight.  i tried it short and curly.  i tried it short and straight, and long and curly.  when it was straight, my ears would stick out.  to get it curly, i had to perm it.  my life has been a constant battle with my hair.  until a few years ago...

a few years ago, my hair got long--longer than it had ever been before.  i didn't plan it that way, i just neglected to go in and have it cut.  for months!  and as it got longer, rollie and diandra really liked it.  even now, when i talk about cutting it short again, they both say, "NOOOOOO!"  of course, they have both seen me with short hair--they know it is not going to be good.  i always have great hope that this time will be different.  this time the short hair cut will look good.  but it never does.

but long hair has it's own issues.  like when do i get it cut?  i just tend to sort of ignore it until one day i decide it is driving me crazy and must be cut immediately!  (these are the days when it is good that i live in a big city and can just walk into super cuts and get my hair cut.  diandra is horrified that i trust my hair to super cuts, but then, she has the patience to wait for an appointment at a better salon.  i do not.  and if i can't get in somewhere for a haircut immediately, i have been known to do it myself...  usually that is not the best decsion.  usually.)  and so, there are days when i walk around with witchy hair... those in between days when it is really too long, but i haven't noticed it yet.

this was the sort of day when we decided to take pictures in my wedding dress.  a witchy hair day.

sadly, i did not know it was a witchy hair day.  i was too focused on diandra's upcoming wedding and the fact that it was only a few days away, and i had said i was going to make her a bolero-type jacket out of my wedding dress for her to wear with her wedding dress.  we had been planning this for several months, so it isn't like i just suddenly had this great idea at the last minute.  and yet, there we were, at the last minute.  but i wanted to take photos first, and between my schedule and diandra's schedule, and the weather (winter, you know,) we hadn't been able to make it happen...

... until just a few days before her wedding.  i suddenly realized that if i didn't get started on making the jacket immediately, i would not have time to finish it before the wedding.  so when i got home from school, i threw the dress on, we walked down to the park, and took some pictures.

it was a beautiful day.  the light was warm and golden.  i loved wearing my dress, realizing that this would be the last time i would wear it...  and then, there i was, looking into the camera without a clue as to what to do next.  diandra tried to help me.  she put me different places and gave me ideas of what to do with myself, but i just felt awkward.  i sooo wanted the pictures to be beautiful and perfect, but people were looking at me (ok, there were only a couple of dog walkers, but they LOOKED at me, like "what the heck is she doing?!?!)  and the wind was blowing.  hard.  my hair kept blowing in my face.  but diandra just kept snapping pictures...

and then we went home, and i cut up my dress.  diandra showed me the pictures she had taken, and to be honest, i was disappointed.  all i could see was my unruly hair.  why hadn't i taken a few minutes to curl it or straighten it or something?  why hadn't i planned ahead and at least had my bangs cut so you could see my face??  why hadn't i done something besides twirl around???

oh well...  it was too late to do anything about it.  my dress was in pieces, just waiting to be sewn into a jacket for diandra...  there were no "do overs."

i didn't give the photos much thought after that.  diandra got married.  we moved.  i went back to school in the fall...  and then last week i got a text from diandra.  "guess who is going to be on my blog this week?"  yep, it was me.  in my wedding dress.  with my witchy hair. 

i protested.  "mom, stop!" she said, "you look cute!"  as i said, she was blinded by love... and so, i waited for the blog with both dread and hope.  and waited.  and waited.  because although she had planned to post the blog last week, i got bumped.  to monday!  what a way to start the week...

this morning diandra sent me this text, "you are on my blog."  "AAACCCKKKKK!"  i replied.  "i guess i'd better go look."  and so i did.  and again, all i could see was my witchy hair.  i texted diandra, "i was right.  my hair was awful!  i wish we had taken a few more minutes to fix it better.  and my nose always looks so big in pictures.  does it look that big in person?  i did love the pictures that didn't have my face in them."

and then diandra texted me these words, "um... no.  you look happy and beautiful.  stop it."

well, you know, she is my daughter.  that is how i look through her filters.  i just hoped i wouldn't scare people away from visiting her blog again...

later in the day i went back and looked at the pictures a second time.  and i liked them a little better.  and then i looked at them again before i started blogging, and you know what?  i don't know about beautiful, but i do look happy.

in diandra's blog, she said i hated being in front of the camera.  that isn't completely true.  i like having my picture taken, because i am always hopeful that the results will be good.  but they rarely are, which is why i also hate having my picture taken.  i'm always worried about my bangs or my posture or that weird smile i get when i'm forced to hold a smile.  and i never think i look like myself.  i mean, i look at myself every day when i get ready for work, so i think i know what i look like.  but then i look at pictures of myself and they don't really look like me, or at least what i think i look like.  and so then i wonder, what do i really look like?

i take pictures all the time.  of diandra.  of rollie.  of the dogs.  they all look great in my pictures--probably because they are used to having their pictures taken.  i am not.  i am always the one taking the pictures, not the one getting my picture taken.  and so i think i am just not comfortable in front of the camera, and that's why i don't think i look like myself.  i look like a flat, two dimensional caricature of myself.  at least, that's what i think.

but i've also been thinking about diandra's words today.  it doesn't matter if i looked cute or beautiful.  cute and beautiful are just a matter of someone's opinion.  clearly!  what does matter is that i looked happy.  whether i like it or not, i looked like myself, on that day, witchy hair and all.  it was a beautiful day, i was out in the park with my darling daughter, and we were laughing.  i was happy.  even though my hair was trying to swallow my face...

so i think i'm going to stop avoiding the camera.  i think i'm going to step in front of it once in a while, even if i have to put my camera in someone else's hands and say, "take a picture of me."  i'm not going to worry about my bangs being perfect.  (well, that's a lie.  i will worry about my bangs until the day i die.  but if they aren't perfect, i'm going to try not to let it ruin my picture.)  diandra has said that she doesn't always take her good camera with her, because she finds that if she is focused on taking pictures, then she isn't really experiencing the moment.  i think that is probably true.  i think i haven't really been a part of a lot of moments, because i have been busy taking pictures.  but i need to have pictures to remind me of the fun times we have had...

i guess it comes down to this.  pictures document our moments.  and all of our moments aren't perfect, so neither are our pictures.  but perfection shouldn't be the goal!  the goal should be documenting a memory, imperfections and messy hair and all.  it doesn't matter if i look beautiful.  what matters is if i look happy.  or contemplative.  or tired.  or whatever the moment brings.

so thank you, diandra, for documenting my wedding dress's last day.  thank you for taking the time to take those pictures.  and blogging them.  thank you for making me laugh.  and thank you for reminding me today that although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder,  happiness can be seen by everyone.

(although, it could be seen more easily if i could remember to get my hair cut...)

march 2011. the month i will eventually forget.

so today . . . is the last day of march. this means my self-imposed exile from the land of blogging is almost over...

it has been quite a month. i have had ideas for blogs rolling around in my head, but i never seemed able to sit down and write...

there was the day rollie took me to the outlet mall to choose a birthday present, and the result was me sitting in a chair in the corner of the coach store with an armful of handbags, paralyzed with indecision...

there was the day i sent my pre-k kids across the hall to an empty classroom with a huge piece of butcher paper, toy cars, and paint... oh yes, and my teaching assistant... and paint shirts, which were of no help at all...

there was the day diandra and i zipped to the outlet mall after school and experienced deja'vu...

there was the day i discovered the top on my beloved convertible was 'letting the sun shine in'--even when it was closed...

there was the day my future son-in-law came straight to our house from kuwait... well, actually he went to germany and georgia and lax first... but then he came straight to our house!

and then there was the wedding...

and my wedding dress... which was nearly a catastrophe, but turned out to be something really special... and las vegas on st. patrick's day... and purple christmas balls, silver christmas balls, and clear, lucite jewels... and terrible wind... and a beautiful bride with a sparkly bouquet... and a groom with a temperature... and a dad who loved his daughter enough to step waaaay out of his comfort zone...

there was the day i took my mom to the las vegas outlet mall... and made her go into the juicy couture store... and the guess store... and the coach store... and she made me go into chico's... and the store with the elusive hush puppy shoes... and then i made her go back to the coach store... (and before you think someone should take all our credit cards away, we did not actually make purchases in all those stores...)

there was the day my brother called to tattle on my mom... which was also the day my dad had some kind of major surgery... which is why my brother felt the need to tattle on my mom... yes, some days we are still children!

there was the day i started walking the dogs again... and decided to walk them both at the same time... (let's just say, we survived, but it wasn't pretty...)

there were the days that rollie left the house at 8:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 10:30 p.m... and the hunt for the perfect couch for his new office... and the chairs that almost got away...

there was a whole week of rain... and not one single weather blog! (count your blessings!!)

there was the day i tried to play music on my iphone and couldn't figure out where the ipod icon was... (anyone with an iphone is now saying to themselves, "what?!?!? how could she not see it???" all i have to say is, you just don't understand how my brain works...)

there were days i laughed, and days i cried, and days i just felt like crying while wishing i could laugh...

and there were pink shoes with flowers that unexpectedly appeared...

and once in a lifetime moments.

yes, march was quite a month. and as i read back over this list, i am really sad that i missed all that blogging! because while i remember these incidents happening, i don't remember the small details, or who said what, or how i felt... because i didn't write it down.

i blog so that i can remember the small, funny things that happen to me... just in case, you know, my brain ever fails me. (EVER fails me?!?!? please. my brain fails me every. single. day.)

you thought i blogged to entertain you, didn't you. but i don't. i blog so i can remember my life.

april fool's to you!

;-)

things to do, places to go...

so today . . . we got seriously down to business and found a wedding venue. i think. i am pretty sure...

diandra and i did a lot of internet searching for a venue for her wedding. it is going to be in las vegas, but she doesn't want it to be a "vegas" wedding. that narrows the choices considerably. thank goodness! i am of the opinion that most of the wedding chapels here look more like funeral parlors. they are draped in hundreds of yards of white satin with enough clear twinkle lights to power a third world country, and so many fake flowers and greenery that my allergies feel threatened. let's just say, this is kind of how i picture death.

not a good feel for a wedding.

we had four places to check out. we sat in the car, making a plan. where should we go first...? we decided on the premium outlet mall--which was not on our original plan. our original plan was to GET SERIOUS and do wedding stuff today! but we ALWAYS shop on black friday. so we decided to skip the three venues that were going to charge astronomical fees if we chose NOT to use their photographer, and headed for the premium outlet mall :)

we "shopped" for a bit, ate some lunch, checked out a really great venue, and then found our way to the neon boneyard.

diandra is in love with the neon boneyard. it is the place where old neon signs go to die. it is visually very interesting, and having pictures taken there was the first wedding decision she made. we thought it might be good if we knew where it was before she tried to make a timeline for her wedding day. so we followed the gps... and ended up in an empty abandoned building's parking lot. "this can't be right," she said. um, no, i'm pretty sure it is not right...

so she did something to the gps, it gave us different directions, and soon we were there. of course it was closed, but you could still see through the gate. diandra wanted to look through the gate, but it isn't in the very best part of town. but it was daylight. we looked around, and saw that there was no one close by. and came up with a plan...

i parked on the street as close to the gate as i could get without putting the suv into four-wheel drive and climbing onto the sidewalk. i kept the engine running. diandra left her door open. she ran to the gate and snapped a few pictures. i played lookout, ready to yell in case anyone started our way. diandra was prepared to dive headfirst into the car and hang on tight, if necessary, while i made a fast getaway...

fortunately, it was not necessary.

we were on las vegas blvd, but a long way from the strip. we decided to take the boulevard all the way back to our hotel instead of going on the freeway, and i am so glad we did! yes, there was a lot of traffic. yes, we saw a seedier side of town. but we also got to see some of those places you just see in location shots of las vegas. it was interesting to put all the pieces together into one picture.

we went back to our hotel to meet rollie for dinner, only to find out that the ducks game was on. (i would say oregon ducks, just to be clear, but if you have any knowlege of college football--ANY knowlege--you know who the ducks are!) so diandra and i decided to make good use of the time by going across the street to... shop.

(lest you think all we do is buy stuff, we didn't actually make very many purchases. we went in a lot of stores, picked up a lot of stuff, put it back, and moved on. there are a lot of very exclusive, expensive stores here. we have these same stores at home, but we don't spend much time in them, because they are a bit beyond our pay grade. but it was still fun to look...)

we hadn't been in this particular mall yet, and we didn't have a lot of time. and yet somehow, we got horribly turned around! when it was time to go, we couldn't find our way out of the building. and i don't mean we couldn't find where we came in--we couldn't find any exits at all!!

i tend to get a little claustrophobic from time to time, and this just about did me in! it didn't matter that we were in a huge mall with high ceilings. it didn't matter that it wasn't all that crowded. the problem was, we were trapped! there was no way out!!

it was the elevator all over again...

we finally found a door that led outside, and we took it! we looked around, and knew we were on a different side of the mall than where we came in. we didn't care! at least we had escaped!! i looked above the mall at the names on the tall buildings, and figured out where we were. sort of. and then we started walking. again.

we walked, and we walked, and we walked, until our hotel came into view. when we got on the bridge going across the street where i could look around, i realized we had walked almost all the way around the mall. THE MALL!! and the almost funny thing is, if we had turned left instead of right when we came out, we would have been much closer to finding our way home. much closer.

our feet and legs hate us.

i usually have an exceptionally good sense of direction in shopping malls and their parking lots. but apparently las vegas is oriented differently, because i seem to be having trouble finding my way out of places. for some reason, when we get in these shopping areas, my sense of direction leaves me. completely. i think it is all part of some evil plot...

we did, however, find the world's largest forever 21 store in the world! IN THE WORLD!! and as we found out, the world's largest forever 21 store makes it almost impossible to buy anything! who can even think when surrounded by so many choices. but it was ok--it was only 9:00--we figured we had a couple of hours to navigate the store before closing time. and then we found out that the store closed at 10:00. P.M!!!

are you kidding me?!?!? the forever 21 that is a mile from our house stays open that late. we are on the las vegas strip!! where are the shops that stay open all night?!?! what is the matter with these people!!!

it turned out ok, though. i think i found a dress for diandra's wedding--yes, at forever 21! and when we went in to the mall the second time, we paid closer attention to where we came in, and so we didn't have any trouble finding our way home.

we went over the river and through the woods and back to our room, where we found rollie--still watching football. on espn. a channel that we don't have at home.

i guess las vegas does have something for everyone...

a dress, some shoes... oh, and a momentary lapse...

so today . . . diandra and i went shopping for a wedding dress.

this is not the first time we have gone. typically we go in, choose several dresses, diandra tries them on and looks beautiful in every one, and then we leave. dressless.

but today was different. today we went to a different shop--"castle for brides." this is not a shop we probably would have found on our own, but we went today because they were giving away free wedding dresses to women who are in the military or engaged to men serving in the middle east. we thought free was a pretty good price, so diandra made an appointment.

when we arrived, we were told that they had given away 60 dresses yesterday! our expectations immediately fell. if 60 dresses were already gone, what would be left? we looked over the remaining 30 dresses, but none were the right size. since we had driven all the way to huntington beach though, we decided to look at the other dresses in the store. we went into the dressing room with three--one i chose (that was on the sale rack for $200,) one diandra chose, and one we both liked.

she started with the dress i chose.

ok, can i just say here that i wasn't in love with the dress! but i felt kind of bad, because the people who worked at the store got so excited when someone found a free dress! and we hadn't found one, but they seemed like they would be just as happy if we left with a discounted one. so, you know, i said "just try it on..." so she did.

it was a mistake. clearly.

but we did go home with a dress today--a beautiful dress. she was happy, i was happy, even the salespeople were happy. we walked out of the store happy, happy, happy. until we tried to put the dress in the trunk of my car...

...because for some reason, my car beeper wouldn't unlock my car or open the trunk. and of course, ignoring albert einstein, i tried it over and over and over again. i was afraid to try unlocking it with the key in case it set the alarm off--because i wouldn't know how to make it stop!

in our family, when we come up against a situation where we don't have any answers, we pray. and so diandra prayed, tried the beeper again, and it still didn't work. "what the heck," she said, "praying always works!" only this time it didn't.

i called rollie, and he said to try the lock--eventually the alarm would stop. (and he should know, after his recent experience with a car alarm going off...) so i stuck the key in the lock, but it wouldn't turn.

we were in trouble. i was thinking that the battery on my beeper must be dead, but i couldn't figure out how to open up the key fob to play with the battery. i didn't know if AAA could help or not, since the problem was with the alarm system.

and i was getting hot!

i was out of options. so i prayed again. and then i had a thought... (coincidence? i think not!)

i went over to where i had dumped my handbag on some grass, checked in the outside pocket, and guess what i found? yep, my car key.

i had been trying to open my car with rollie's car key.

i know, i belong in a home... but i used his key this morning to get gas money out of his car, and for some reason (i blame my usual morning rush,) i didn't put it back on the key rack--i put it in my pocket. and when it was time for us to leave, i just reached in my pocket for a key. and i found one. only it was rollie's.

this is the problem with both of us driving mazdas...

we finally got the trunk open, and diandra put her dress in--or i should say, attempted to put it in. it is a little bit fluffy, and there was some air in the bag. it looked like a giant piece of bubble gum was about to explode!! but she kept at it and finally got it all contained.we headed back home and met rollie for lunch.

rollie was having his own "special" kind of day. he had been at home all morning while workers ripped out an old sliding glass door and installed a new one. (yes, it will be nice to have a door that can be opened and closed without the strength of superman, but it is noisy getting it done!) we met at rubio's, (we are NOT predictable--we are consistent) and sat outside to eat, because a)it was a lovely day, and b)all the tables inside were taken. he was looking forward to a break from the construction noise at home. but sadly, there was construction noise at rubio's! they are in the process of re-doing the outdoor seating area, and today appeared to be "electric tool day." so we ate lunch, and yelled to each other... and when we were finished, i sent rollie's extra car key home with him. it was just too risky to put it back in my pocket.

after lunch diandra was still feeling wedding happy! she has been unable to make any decisions, and today she found a dress, so she felt like riding that wave right on into shoe shopping...

we went to dsw shoe warehouse. oh. my. goodness. if you want to know where shoe heaven is, just find your nearest dsw shoe warehouse. rows and rows and rows of shoes... and today she found these--could there be more perfect wedding shoes?!?!?! she put them on and wore them all around the store, because i wanted to be sure she could actually walk in them.

(oh, our little flip-flop girl has come a long way from her high school graduation when she wore heels for the first time...)

we were standing in line to pay, and she just kept getting happier. so i took another picture. because that is what i do. she said, "mom! we aren't in the bridal store anymore. people will think we are weird."seriously?!?! in l.a.?!?! are you kidding me?!?!?! we are nowhere near the weird end of the scale...

while she paid, i went to the front of the store and made a phone call to check on my new glasses. it has been a week since i ordered them, and they are still not here!! and in the back of my mind, i am a little worried that i have been scammed, so i needed to check. someone did answer the phone (ok, it was actually a machine,) and they put me on hold. and i held. and held. and held. for 27 minutes! i was starting to believe that i had been scammed, and this is how they dealt with phone calls--unending hold! but at least they were polite scammers--they thanked me for my patience about 42 times...

and diandra waited, her joy at her purchases barely contained, so i took one more picture.this was not the end of the wedding shopping today, but it did turn out to be the end of the wedding buying. for today. we came home and started shopping for venues. in las vegas.

oh. my. goodness. i think that is a blog for another day...