one of these days, evil julie is going to win . . .

so today . . . my driveway was blocked by an ambulance. my driveway. out of all the driveways AND empty spaces on the street, my driveway was blocked. totally. by an ambulance.

my sunday mornings are hectic. sunday is a busy day around here--it starts early and moves like a locomotive for several hours. and i am always tired, because i always stay up late on saturday night, because it is the last night of my weekend. so when my alarm goes off at 7:30 (which is REALLY 7:30 on sunday morning, because i use the alarm on my phone--NOT the one on my clock, which as you know is set at least 13 minutes fast,) i do not leap out of bed. actually, i don't think i have ever lept out of bed in the morning . . . although rollie tries to trick me into it once in a while by telling me the time it says on my clock, which again, is at least 13 minutes fast! and depending on how deeply asleep i am, i might or might not fall for his evil trick. you see, if rollie is the one telling me the time, one part of my brain says it has to be the right time, because he would never play my time game--just like he would never say the word "mcmuffin" or "cini-minis" when ordering breakfast. but there is another part of my brain that knows he is trying to help me get up, so maybe he would tell me the incorrect time just to jolt me awake and get my adrenaline moving.

but i digress.

so, at almost the last possible minute that i could leave the house and get to church for band rehearsal on time, i set the alarm, throw milk bones at the dogs, dash into the garage and hit the garage door button . . . only to see my driveway blocked by an ambulance. totally blocked.

i look around and see no one. i do see a fire engine parked on the other side of our neighbor's house. this leads me to believe that perhaps that is where they are. but there is no sign of a fireman or ambulance person anywhere.

now i am not completely insensitive to the fact that one of my neighbors is in distress and apparently needs help. i am just perplexed as to why the ambulance chose to park at the end of MY driveway. they didn't park in front of my neighbor's house--and there was a perfectly good spot there. they didn't park in front of my neighbor's driveway--which would have put them as close as possible to their front door. and they didn't park in any one of the other empty spaces on the street. they parked at the end of my driveway.

there wasn't a lot i could do. i was going to be late, and it isn't good for me to be late when i am trying to teach teenaged boys that it is disrespectful to make other people wait on you. so i whipped out my cellphone and texted james (who was already at church, i am sure, setting up sound equipment,) "there is an ambulance blocking my driveway. completely. so i am kind of stuck here until they come." he immediately replied, "what? are you ok?"

yes, i am ok. we are fine. we rarely have medical emergencies, but i fear that our recent bout with hospitalization has led some of you to think of us as fragile. but we're not--we are actually healthier than a lot of people we know. (i know that is hard for some of you to believe, especially considering my copious consumption of brownies . . .) just because we mention hospitals or ambulances, it probably isn't because we are the sick ones. so don't worry!

but i digress again.

so i am standing in my driveway wondering what to do. should i go back inside and wait for them to leave? no, i can't see them from inside my house. and since they came without sirens, they will probably leave without them. should i pull out into the driveway and wait for them to come? no, who knows how long they will be! and then i realize that the engine is running in the ambulance . . . which means that the keys are in the ignition . . . and there is a perfectly good empty spot in front of the neighbor's house just a car length away . . . and a plan begins to take shape in evil julie's mind--no wait, not evil julie--good julie, who doesn't want to be late!

i look around. no one is outside. the neighborhood is deserted, which is unusual because usually the neighbors all come out to see who is being hauled away by ambulance. i mentally move a little closer to the ambulance. of course, all the while i am picturing my evil plan, a voice in my head is screaming, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!?!" but the clock is ticking . . . i text james and say,"the engine is running in the ambulance," and he says, "drive it here (to church.)"

ok, james is the one i am calling to bail me out of jail!

and then the firemen come out of the house next door. they glance my way, get on their truck and try to leave the neighborhood. i say try, because it took them a long time to find their way out. i would insert an evil laugh here, but i hold no grudge against the firemen--they are not the ones blocking my driveway! but they did sort of look at me like, "stop gawking and go back inside." and then i am kind of insulted and annoyed, so yes! let's just insert an evil laugh here--bwahahahaha!! there! just try and find your way out of this neighborhood!

but the moment has passed. it would now be too risky to even contemplate moving the ambulance myself, but i think the ambulance guys will probably be coming out soon anyway. and they do. with an empty guerney. i guess this is good news for my neighbor. but then the ambulance people give me the same look as the firefighters! now i am really annoyed, because after all, they are the ones parked illegally! they are the ones wasting gas and putting unnecessary pollutants into the air! they are the ones making me late! and i am not gawking! i just want to get out of my driveway!!!!

the rational part of my brain knows that i will never see these people again. but the irrational side does not want them to think that i am the kind of person who would come outside my house and wait to see what was going on! the rational part of my brain knows that they don't care what i am doing standing in my driveway at 9:00 on a sunday morning. but the irrational side is imagining the conversation they will be having about people who have nothing better to do on a sunday morning than chase ambulances. the rational part of my brain says i should just stay out of their way. but the irrational side wins again, and so i jump in my car and back out into my driveway before they can leave--just so they know i was waiting for them to move, and not to see what was going on.

they go one direction down our street and i go the other. shoot! i think to myself. i should have gone the same way they were going so they would see i needed to leave. but it is too late. as i sit at the exit to our housing development waiting to turn right, guess who pulls up beside me? yup! the fire engine, followed by the ambulance. i don't know what route they took, but it was not the shortest one. and yet i am pleased, because not only did i beat them to the exit, we all had to sit and wait for traffic. so now they know i had someplace to go. i am not an ambulance chaser or disaster gawker.

i'm just late . . .

random thoughts on a typical sunday

so today. . . is sunday. that means we go to church in the morning.

my sunday starts with band rehearsal at 9:00 a.m. i say we start at 9:00, but we never start at 9:00 . . . i have tried everything short of paying the band members to be on time, but they just can't seem to make it happen. and on those rare occasions when everyone is there on time, we inevitably have sound issues . . .

actually, we have sound issues almost every week. it is probably amazing that we don't have more problems than we do. fortunately, we have james--yes, james my computer wizard! he also does sound for me at church, and he is also amazing at that! but as amazing as he is, we can't seem to avoid having sound problems--james is just excellent at fixing them.

the sound problems aren't always his fault. one morning we spent 10 minutes trying to track down why we couldn't hear the guitar through the sound system, only to finally discover that the cable wasn't pushed all the way into the guitar! and this morning, the drummer lost my vocals in his monitor, and we discovered his cable had been kicked loose. cables and connections--the bane of my musical existence!

today, the drummer was on drugs. not the bad kind--the kind you take when you don't feel very good. and they made him a little bit loopy. it was pretty funny. he came to church wearing a bandana around his head, and with his dark hair and big eyes and the vacant stare that was a result of his cold medicine, he looked a little like a deranged ninja--and it didn't help that he kept popping up unexpectedly from behind things . . .

church starts in the main sanctuary at 10:15 a.m. promptly. church starts for us between 10:20 and 10:30ish, depending on how long it takes us to locate the whole band and get them on stage. there are only three musicians and two vocalists, but some days it is like herding cats to get everyone ready to go! we have to look outside, and in the bathrooms, and in the kitchen . . . they are all there, we just have to find them.

then after the music, diandra and i sat together on the floor in the back during the sermon, as we do every week (remember, our service is in the church gym, and it is dark . . . ) the deranged drummer sat with us this week, because his cold medicine was making it hard for him to focus and he didn't want to distract his friends--at least, that is the motive i am giving him--maybe he just got lost on his way to the bathroom . . . so the three of us were sitting there listening to rollie preach. he was preaching about loneliness today and was talking about how people try to fill the emptiness in their lives with all kinds of things, but nothing works, because as he said, "it is like there is a God-shaped hole in each of us that can only be filled by God." and i leaned over to diandra and said, "i think i also have a brownie shaped hole . . . "

this was a mistake. she started laughing--quietly, of course, and thank goodness we were in the back, but still . . . then javvy (the drummer) looked at her with his vacant eyes, so she told him what i had said and then he started laughing, and that made me laugh too . . .

it reminded me of a time when diandra was about six years old. we were sitting in church, again in the back (because that is where i like to sit,) and rollie was preaching, and she was playing with my hand. she was being quiet and just sort of absently holding my hand and tracing along the blood vessels on the back of it. i have very prominent blood vessels on the back of my hand, and at one point she kind of pushed on one. i don't know what possessed me, but when she did that, i abruptly stiffened up my hand into a "claw" position. it startled her so badly that she jumped. it was so funny! so i laughed--i couldn't help myself. and then she laughed. and neither one of us could stop. and we were trying to be quiet, and again, thank goodness we were in the back . . . but that is still one of my favorite memories of her childhood.

(lest you think we are being disrespectful when we talk in church, rollie told me today that it doesn't bother him when he sees people whisper to each other during the sermon. he says that just means that he has said something that has made them think, and they want to tell someone what they are thinking, so they whisper to the person next to them. that is usually what happens with diandra and me--although usually it is when he says something that makes us think of something funny to say. and so we do. and then we laugh. but we are still listening!)

i wore my new gray ankle boots to church today. it was the first time i had worn them out of the house. maybe sunday morning church was not the best choice for their first outing, as i am on my feet from 9:00 until the music is over at about 11:00. and standing in brand new shoes for two hours has it's drawbacks . . . so my feet were not happy by the time church was over. rollie and i went to subway for lunch, and when we pulled into the parking lot (i was following him,) i kept thinking "leave the closest parking space for ME! my feet hurt!!" of course, since we were in separate cars, he couldn't hear me. and he had sore toes from an injury yesterday. so he pulled into the close space and i drove around the parking lot. then i sat in my car for a few minutes working up my courage to hobble into the restaurant.

the rest of my afternoon consisted of a nap, followed by a meeting at the church, which was followed by dinner at rubio's! and still, rollie and i were in separate cars--we just could not get our timetables synced today! and as i was slowly and carefully walking toward rubio's, rollie said, "you are still wearing those shoes?!?!" and i said, "yes, they go with my outfit! and they are so cute!!" and he said, "but they hurt your feet!" and i said, "yes, but i planned my whole outfit around these boots today. i love them!!" he just looked at me like maybe aliens had invaded my body . . .

maybe they have. but if they have, they certainly have good taste in footwear!