so today . . . i survived my procedure. but just barely...
there were times when i thought i wasn't going to make it. not eating for two and a half days was not a good thing for me. it never is. actually i got through the prep fairly well. i thought...
but then i woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. i managed to get myself into the car to go to the medical center, but i confess i wore my pajama pants...
(i don't know why everyone gets all militant about pajama pants. they are comfy and at least they cover a person up!! have you see some of the shorts and skirts that pass for clothes at the mall?!?!?! i think we should be encouraging everyone to wear pajama pants...)
while i was checking in, i thought i was going to pass out. it took the receptionist sooo long to find me in the computer and then the machine that prints the wrist bands had apparently gone out to lunch! i finally had to leave rollie with her and go sit down. the next thing i knew, rollie was wheeling me around in a wheel chair...
talk about embarrassing! forget about being out in public in pajama pants, just take a ride in a wheelchair when you have the capability to be ambulatory and see what happens. although, i am sure i didn't really look able to move under my own steam at that point. my face was buried in my hands, and i was just trying not to throw up...
we made it up to the fourth floor, and thankfully we didn't have to wait long for my name to be called. by elizabeth. elizabeth was the perkiest, friendliest, most polite nurse i have ever encountered. i'm sure under normal circumstances, i would have enjoyed her company, but today i just wanted to smack her. i know. that's awful. but she kept asking me questions, and every time i had to open my mouth, i had to fight the nausea. when she finally got me into a bed, it was better, but it didn't stop. "do you mind if i leave you for a minute?" "would you please excuse me for a few seconds?" "can i close this curtain now?" "can i open the curtain now?" "have you seen any good movies lately?" (this last one was while she was trying to distract me from the fact that she was inserting an iv into my arm. this was not my first rodeo. i knew what she was doing. but it was easier to play along than to say JUST STICK THE NEEDLE IN ME AND STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!)
and then my doctor came in to once again inform me of all the risks of the procedure i was about to undergo... like i cared! what was i going to do, say no? after i had just endured two and a half days of misery?? she could have said my left leg might fall off, and i would have still signed. i just wanted to get my warm blanket and lovely sedative, and all these questions were keeping me from it!!
finally maria came to rescue me from elizabeth. maria was nice, but all business--just the way i like my nurses! as soon as we entered the room where my annual indignity was about to occur, i started getting sleepy. i know it was probably just psychological, but i tell you, everything started swimming around... they gave me oxygen, put the lovely sedatives into my iv... and off i went, to blissful slumber.
there is nothing better than drugged sleep.
except, it took them longer than it usually does to complete my procedure, so i woke up before they were done. now before you say, "oh no!" i should tell you that several years ago, i underwent this procedure without any anesthetic. it really isn't painful at all. i could feel pressure and the scope moving about, but it didn't hurt. and it was interesting... i could watch the screen and see what they were seeing, AND if i looked at my abdomen, i could see the light on the scope moving around... it was cool and creepy all at once. however, given the choice, i prefer sedatives... just in case...
i wasn't sure what i should do. i am always hesitant to speak when under the influence of sedatives. i always think i sound drunk and probably don't make much sense. but i sort of thought they should know that i could HEAR WHAT THEY WERE SAYING!!! so i think i said something like, "um, i am kind of awake here..." to which my doctor replied, "we are almost done. are you ok?" i said yes and alternately focused on the tv screen which was showcasing my innards and closing my eyes hoping for a few more minutes of drugged sleep...
my body reacts weirdly with drugs. usually they stay in my system for a long time, so if they give me the normal amount of sedatives it takes me a long, long time to wake up. my doctor knows this, and i'm sure she was envisioning me hanging out in recovery for the next couple of days if she gave me more. so we finished the procedure without having to give me any more drugs.
it still took me an hour to fully wake up. and when i say fully, i mean awake enough that rollie could get me out of the building and into the car. he always has to sneak me out before i am really ready, otherwise i would take up one of their recovery beds all day! when i had my wrist surgery, it was late in the day, and those people thought they were never going to get to go home...
during my hour of recovery, my doctor came in and talked to me. i think. i remember seeing her, but i could have been dreaming. it's a good thing that they write down everything they tell you, because apparently my colon is not happy (which i knew. i just didn't know how unhappy it was.) and so we are going to have to start playing with my meds (which is never good,) and looking for alternative treatments (which is also never good.)
on the way home, rollie stopped to get me some food. in hindsight, i should have had him take me home first, because while he was in jack-in-the-box procuring eggs and hash browns for me, i had to make a mad dash into the bathroom, where my nausea finally won...
we made it home, i ate my eggs and hash browns (which, let me just say, was not what i was planning to have when i was thinking about my first meal last night. but in the light of day, and taking circumstances into account, it turned out to be a good choice.) and then i took a nice long nap.
i'm going to live. the good news is, i don't have cancer, which is always a concern for me when i have this test. the bad news is, we may have to repeat the procedure sooner rather than later. but for now, i am just going to go eat something and try to put the whole ordeal behind me...
:)
Showing posts with label medical procedures. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical procedures. Show all posts
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
it's that time again...
so today . . . i am sitting here, waiting to race to the bathroom...
yes, it is that time of year again. my annual colonoscopy is scheduled for friday. i say annual, but i have managed, thru several circumstances, to avoid it for an extra seven months. maybe not the best decision health-wise, but as i am sitting here, drinking my first bottle of magnesium citrate and waiting for it to do it's evil thing, i can't say i am sad that it has been so long...
as you know, i am a world class procrastinator. it's amazing i ever get anything done at all! but i find my procrastinating skills are best showcased when it comes to making doctor appointments. i am an odd combination of whiny crybaby and doctor avoider. i don't mind actually going to the doctor, but i hate making the appointments. i don't know why... it is probably because i have kaiser insurance (which i mostly love,) and their appointment center is automated. machines don't give you choices. machines don't listen to my scheduling issues. machines just say, "here is the next appointment. do you want it or not." and if i say i don't want it, there is no going back if it turns out the first appointment was actually the best choice. so i just avoid all of this by not making appointments... until i absolutely have to. in fact, i've been known to go sit for hours in urgent care waiting to see a doctor rather than make an appointment.
i know. i have issues.
right now, my issue is hunger. i'm starving! all i can think about are chocolate chip cookies and cheeseburgers! but instead i'm drinking my water. it is not satisfying. at all. i've been wondering if i could get by with eating just a few bites of a chocolate chip cookie... i'm thinking that if i chew and chew and chew it up until it is pretty much liquified, how much trouble could it cause? i bounced this idea off rollie, who said "don't do it!" (of course. of course he said don't do it! that would be breaking the rules of colon prep.) but he continued, "it's a slippery slope..." (that's what i say every time a store tries to get me to sign up for a credit card :) ) ok, so maybe a chocolate chip cookie isn't a good idea, but maybe i could just suck on a piece of dove dark chocolate... or lick a hamburger...
and this is only the beginning. i can't eat anything all day tomorrow either, but it will be worse, because i am going to be home! my only consolation is that at least my kitchen is not currently stocked with delicious things to eat--i haven't made it to the grocery store yet after being gone for two weeks.
finally, my procrastination pays off :)
and so, here i sit, with nothing to eat, waiting... just waiting... and waiting...
don't look for a blog tomorrow. i'm pretty sure you are not going to want to hear about my day.
unless you are a fan of whining...
yes, it is that time of year again. my annual colonoscopy is scheduled for friday. i say annual, but i have managed, thru several circumstances, to avoid it for an extra seven months. maybe not the best decision health-wise, but as i am sitting here, drinking my first bottle of magnesium citrate and waiting for it to do it's evil thing, i can't say i am sad that it has been so long...
as you know, i am a world class procrastinator. it's amazing i ever get anything done at all! but i find my procrastinating skills are best showcased when it comes to making doctor appointments. i am an odd combination of whiny crybaby and doctor avoider. i don't mind actually going to the doctor, but i hate making the appointments. i don't know why... it is probably because i have kaiser insurance (which i mostly love,) and their appointment center is automated. machines don't give you choices. machines don't listen to my scheduling issues. machines just say, "here is the next appointment. do you want it or not." and if i say i don't want it, there is no going back if it turns out the first appointment was actually the best choice. so i just avoid all of this by not making appointments... until i absolutely have to. in fact, i've been known to go sit for hours in urgent care waiting to see a doctor rather than make an appointment.
i know. i have issues.
right now, my issue is hunger. i'm starving! all i can think about are chocolate chip cookies and cheeseburgers! but instead i'm drinking my water. it is not satisfying. at all. i've been wondering if i could get by with eating just a few bites of a chocolate chip cookie... i'm thinking that if i chew and chew and chew it up until it is pretty much liquified, how much trouble could it cause? i bounced this idea off rollie, who said "don't do it!" (of course. of course he said don't do it! that would be breaking the rules of colon prep.) but he continued, "it's a slippery slope..." (that's what i say every time a store tries to get me to sign up for a credit card :) ) ok, so maybe a chocolate chip cookie isn't a good idea, but maybe i could just suck on a piece of dove dark chocolate... or lick a hamburger...
and this is only the beginning. i can't eat anything all day tomorrow either, but it will be worse, because i am going to be home! my only consolation is that at least my kitchen is not currently stocked with delicious things to eat--i haven't made it to the grocery store yet after being gone for two weeks.
finally, my procrastination pays off :)
and so, here i sit, with nothing to eat, waiting... just waiting... and waiting...
don't look for a blog tomorrow. i'm pretty sure you are not going to want to hear about my day.
unless you are a fan of whining...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
i'm not stealing--i'm sharing...
so today . . . i finally underwent the dreaded annual procedure. i got the warm blanket and the lovely sedative. i spent the rest of the day sleeping, waking only momentarily to get a little food inside my hungry body. i am beginning to feel like myself again...
i was going to write about the whole horrifying experience that leads up to the procedure, but instead i am going to do something i've never done before and probably will never do again.
i'm going to steal someone else's story and post it here.
i'm doing this for a couple of reasons. first, i'm still a little fuzzy-brained--i just don't have the brain power to write a whole blog. second, it looks to me like this particular blog, written by pulitzer prize winning author dave berry, has been copied and printed on almost every blog on the internet--except for mine--so by reprinting it on my blog, i'll be running with the big dogs. and third, his description of the experience is just perfect. there is no improving on it.
so here it is--my first (and hopefully last) pirated blog.
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
my experience is not exactly the same as mr. berry's. while i have never used moviprep, i have used similar products. my body does not like them and simply refuses to keep them down. so, i spend two days before my procedure drinking clear liquids and trying alternative methods of preparing my colon for it's photo shoot--none of which work very well, which causes me a lot of anxiety. but it is a necessary evil, so i keep thinking about the warm blankets and sedatives that are in my future if i just persevere...
and i am glad to say i got through it. the procedure itself was a piece of cake. i got pictures of my colon to bring home. (you can thank me later for not posting them.) i had a lovely nurse before the procedure, (who was very good with an iv needle,) and attila the hun after it was over. he would not leave me alone! every five minutes he tried to wake me up, and all i wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep...
so i'm good for another year. i hope!
i was going to write about the whole horrifying experience that leads up to the procedure, but instead i am going to do something i've never done before and probably will never do again.
i'm going to steal someone else's story and post it here.
i'm doing this for a couple of reasons. first, i'm still a little fuzzy-brained--i just don't have the brain power to write a whole blog. second, it looks to me like this particular blog, written by pulitzer prize winning author dave berry, has been copied and printed on almost every blog on the internet--except for mine--so by reprinting it on my blog, i'll be running with the big dogs. and third, his description of the experience is just perfect. there is no improving on it.
so here it is--my first (and hopefully last) pirated blog.
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
my experience is not exactly the same as mr. berry's. while i have never used moviprep, i have used similar products. my body does not like them and simply refuses to keep them down. so, i spend two days before my procedure drinking clear liquids and trying alternative methods of preparing my colon for it's photo shoot--none of which work very well, which causes me a lot of anxiety. but it is a necessary evil, so i keep thinking about the warm blankets and sedatives that are in my future if i just persevere...
and i am glad to say i got through it. the procedure itself was a piece of cake. i got pictures of my colon to bring home. (you can thank me later for not posting them.) i had a lovely nurse before the procedure, (who was very good with an iv needle,) and attila the hun after it was over. he would not leave me alone! every five minutes he tried to wake me up, and all i wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep...
so i'm good for another year. i hope!
Monday, August 16, 2010
maybe it isn't so bad...
so today . . . i had an epiphany about prepping for a colonoscopy...
(i'll bet those are words you never imagined would be strung together in a sentence!)
since my failed attempt at colon prepping a few weeks ago, i knew i was going to have to do it again. it is a precautionary annual procedure that is necessary because, as i have mentioned, my colon hates me...
but my gastrointestinal doctor loves me! so she has forced her whole team to come in an hour early on thursday just so i don't have to wait several months for a new appointment. wasn't that nice?!?!?!? (that was sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that!)
i knew it was coming, but i was sort of living in denial--until tonight. tonight i realized that i was going to have to start the prep tomorrow. this means two full days without food. TWO DAYS!! and then i have to ingest chemicals whose sole purpose is to, shall we say, quickly eliminate any unnecessary substances lurking in my intestinal system. yeah, you know what i mean...
but i hadn't purchased the necessary substances yet. so off i went to wal-mart, my drug store of choice.
(this reminds me of when diandra was about four years old. that commercial with the frying egg was popular. you know the one--"this is your brain. this is your brain on drugs" sizzle, sizzle... diandra had seen the commercial and asked what drugs were, so we had explained it. we thought. until the day my grandma was babysitting her. they were making some sort of craft and needed some supplies. payless was just down the road. they got in the car to go, and diandra asked where they were going. my grandma innocently said, "to the drug store." diandra's little eyes got big, and she said in a loud voice, "but grandma! drugs are bad!")
:) ok, back to my story...
i entered the store and headed straight to the pharmacy. i picked up a box of ducolax and two bottles of magnesium citrate. and as i was standing there with this armful chemicals designed to aid in the elimination of anything ingested, i had my epiphany--i could eat anything i wanted tonight, because tomorrow it would all just go swooshing out of my body! it wouldn't matter if i ate vegetables or chocolate cake tonight--it was all going out!
so i did the only thing i could do. i got a bag of chewy chips ahoy cookies.
i started to the cash registers to pay, when i realized what i was buying--an armload of laxatives and a bag of cookies. i could just imagine the looks i was going to get from some cashier. i am small and lightweight, and here i was ready to leave wal-mart looking like i was headed home to binge and purge. so i stopped. i turned around. i made my way to the self-checkout lines. at least there, there would be no cashier to call the diet police.
i scanned my items and bagged them. i pulled out my debit card and swiped it. i entered my pin number. and then these words appeared on the screen: please wait for a cashier to assist you.
are you kidding me?!?!?! here i am doing my best to fly under the radar with my suspicious purchases, and the self-check out line decides i need assistance?!?!? somehow this machine knows that i shouldn't be buying cookies and all these laxatives?!?!?! how is that possible???
i looked around for the lucky employee who was going to "assist" me. i started preparing my explanation. surely she would believe me. surely she wouldn't take one look at my scrawny frame and think, "this girl needs an intervention," and take away my cookies...
(you notice that i was worried about the cookies being taken away, not the laxatives.)
thankfully she was apparently counting down the minutes until she could go home, because she quickly counted the four items in my bag, handed me my receipt, and said to have a good day.
clearly she doesn't know what is in store for me.
as i drove home, i started thinking about what i wanted for dinner. this new freedom to eat whatever i wanted without regard for it's healthiness opened up so many possibilities. i knew that dinner tonight would be my last meal until thursday afternoon, and now i could eat anything!! where to go... what to order... i was nearly paralyzed with choices. then i saw the jack-in-the-box sign, and knew i could find something totally unhealthy to eat there. because that was now my goal!
i looked at the menu with new eyes. calories and content of the food was not an issue. i could choose anything off the menu and eat it without thinking about it's glycemic index. taste became my only consideration. so again, i did the only thing i could do--i ordered deep-fried potato wedges with melted cheddar and bacon on top and ranch dressing to dip them in.
oh, and cheesecake.
:)
i guess maybe there are some advantages to this ghastly annual procedure. it has just taken me a while to figure it out...
(i'll bet those are words you never imagined would be strung together in a sentence!)
since my failed attempt at colon prepping a few weeks ago, i knew i was going to have to do it again. it is a precautionary annual procedure that is necessary because, as i have mentioned, my colon hates me...
but my gastrointestinal doctor loves me! so she has forced her whole team to come in an hour early on thursday just so i don't have to wait several months for a new appointment. wasn't that nice?!?!?!? (that was sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that!)
i knew it was coming, but i was sort of living in denial--until tonight. tonight i realized that i was going to have to start the prep tomorrow. this means two full days without food. TWO DAYS!! and then i have to ingest chemicals whose sole purpose is to, shall we say, quickly eliminate any unnecessary substances lurking in my intestinal system. yeah, you know what i mean...
but i hadn't purchased the necessary substances yet. so off i went to wal-mart, my drug store of choice.
(this reminds me of when diandra was about four years old. that commercial with the frying egg was popular. you know the one--"this is your brain. this is your brain on drugs" sizzle, sizzle... diandra had seen the commercial and asked what drugs were, so we had explained it. we thought. until the day my grandma was babysitting her. they were making some sort of craft and needed some supplies. payless was just down the road. they got in the car to go, and diandra asked where they were going. my grandma innocently said, "to the drug store." diandra's little eyes got big, and she said in a loud voice, "but grandma! drugs are bad!")
:) ok, back to my story...
i entered the store and headed straight to the pharmacy. i picked up a box of ducolax and two bottles of magnesium citrate. and as i was standing there with this armful chemicals designed to aid in the elimination of anything ingested, i had my epiphany--i could eat anything i wanted tonight, because tomorrow it would all just go swooshing out of my body! it wouldn't matter if i ate vegetables or chocolate cake tonight--it was all going out!
so i did the only thing i could do. i got a bag of chewy chips ahoy cookies.
i started to the cash registers to pay, when i realized what i was buying--an armload of laxatives and a bag of cookies. i could just imagine the looks i was going to get from some cashier. i am small and lightweight, and here i was ready to leave wal-mart looking like i was headed home to binge and purge. so i stopped. i turned around. i made my way to the self-checkout lines. at least there, there would be no cashier to call the diet police.
i scanned my items and bagged them. i pulled out my debit card and swiped it. i entered my pin number. and then these words appeared on the screen: please wait for a cashier to assist you.
are you kidding me?!?!?! here i am doing my best to fly under the radar with my suspicious purchases, and the self-check out line decides i need assistance?!?!? somehow this machine knows that i shouldn't be buying cookies and all these laxatives?!?!?! how is that possible???
i looked around for the lucky employee who was going to "assist" me. i started preparing my explanation. surely she would believe me. surely she wouldn't take one look at my scrawny frame and think, "this girl needs an intervention," and take away my cookies...
(you notice that i was worried about the cookies being taken away, not the laxatives.)
thankfully she was apparently counting down the minutes until she could go home, because she quickly counted the four items in my bag, handed me my receipt, and said to have a good day.
clearly she doesn't know what is in store for me.
as i drove home, i started thinking about what i wanted for dinner. this new freedom to eat whatever i wanted without regard for it's healthiness opened up so many possibilities. i knew that dinner tonight would be my last meal until thursday afternoon, and now i could eat anything!! where to go... what to order... i was nearly paralyzed with choices. then i saw the jack-in-the-box sign, and knew i could find something totally unhealthy to eat there. because that was now my goal!
i looked at the menu with new eyes. calories and content of the food was not an issue. i could choose anything off the menu and eat it without thinking about it's glycemic index. taste became my only consideration. so again, i did the only thing i could do--i ordered deep-fried potato wedges with melted cheddar and bacon on top and ranch dressing to dip them in.
oh, and cheesecake.
:)
i guess maybe there are some advantages to this ghastly annual procedure. it has just taken me a while to figure it out...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
don't mess with a blogger!
so today . . . rollie said i am a disturbance!
he didn't exactly use those words... but i know that is what he meant.
the nature of rollie's job means that it is usually one interruption after another--people, people, phone calls, more people. and that is fine, unless he is doing something that requires him to maintain a train of thought--like writing his sermons. when he needs an interruption-free zone, he works at home. in the man room. which works pretty well during the school year when i am not here. but in the summer...
and he has gadget ears (remember inspector gadget?) so he hears every tiny little noise--through walls, through closed doors, even on a different floor of the house! so when he is working at home, i try to be as quiet as i can be...
but he is home. and i can't always remember what i want to tell him if i have to wait. so if i think of something important, i just go the man room and tell him.
this is exactly the kind of thing he works at home to avoid.
this morning as i was laying in bed, trying to convince myself i should get up, i picked up my phone and read my texts and emails. there were two comments from people about yesterday's blog. this got me started thinking about next week, and not eating, and being alone with no one to complain to... and then i thought, "wait, if my procedure is next week, then i only have two weeks left before school starts. that can't be right." so i went downstairs, found my appointment card, and checked the date. hmmm. apparently my procedure is not next week--it is the 19th!
YAY!! i'm doing the happy dance!
so of course i went up to the man room to share this wonderful news with rollie. because he had been kind of upset when he realized he was going to be gone, and i was going to have do deal with all of that alone (you see, he wasn't thinking it was his lucky day--well, maybe just a little bit, with the involuntary part of his brain. but the part of his brain that he controls was worried about me.) then i said, "now i am going to have to print a retraction, because i just blogged about how terrible it was going to be to waste my 'alone' days prepping for my procedure." (i usually call it my "procedure" because that is more vague than colonoscopy. people tend to get this panicky look in their eyes when they hear the word colonoscopy--even if they have never had one.) "you did?" he said. "i haven't read it yet." and he immediately pulled the blog up on his computer and read it. then he laughed and said, "it changes the air pressure when i am home?!?!?!" "yes," i replied, "it does. i can't explain it, but it does."
i started to leave the room, and he said, "can you close the door? because it works both ways, you know..."
SEE!!!!! he thinks i am a disturbance! at least to his air pressure...
i closed the door and came immediately to my computer.
because the blogger always gets the last word.
:)
he didn't exactly use those words... but i know that is what he meant.
the nature of rollie's job means that it is usually one interruption after another--people, people, phone calls, more people. and that is fine, unless he is doing something that requires him to maintain a train of thought--like writing his sermons. when he needs an interruption-free zone, he works at home. in the man room. which works pretty well during the school year when i am not here. but in the summer...
and he has gadget ears (remember inspector gadget?) so he hears every tiny little noise--through walls, through closed doors, even on a different floor of the house! so when he is working at home, i try to be as quiet as i can be...
but he is home. and i can't always remember what i want to tell him if i have to wait. so if i think of something important, i just go the man room and tell him.
this is exactly the kind of thing he works at home to avoid.
this morning as i was laying in bed, trying to convince myself i should get up, i picked up my phone and read my texts and emails. there were two comments from people about yesterday's blog. this got me started thinking about next week, and not eating, and being alone with no one to complain to... and then i thought, "wait, if my procedure is next week, then i only have two weeks left before school starts. that can't be right." so i went downstairs, found my appointment card, and checked the date. hmmm. apparently my procedure is not next week--it is the 19th!
YAY!! i'm doing the happy dance!
so of course i went up to the man room to share this wonderful news with rollie. because he had been kind of upset when he realized he was going to be gone, and i was going to have do deal with all of that alone (you see, he wasn't thinking it was his lucky day--well, maybe just a little bit, with the involuntary part of his brain. but the part of his brain that he controls was worried about me.) then i said, "now i am going to have to print a retraction, because i just blogged about how terrible it was going to be to waste my 'alone' days prepping for my procedure." (i usually call it my "procedure" because that is more vague than colonoscopy. people tend to get this panicky look in their eyes when they hear the word colonoscopy--even if they have never had one.) "you did?" he said. "i haven't read it yet." and he immediately pulled the blog up on his computer and read it. then he laughed and said, "it changes the air pressure when i am home?!?!?!" "yes," i replied, "it does. i can't explain it, but it does."
i started to leave the room, and he said, "can you close the door? because it works both ways, you know..."
SEE!!!!! he thinks i am a disturbance! at least to his air pressure...
i closed the door and came immediately to my computer.
because the blogger always gets the last word.
:)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
julie-0, the cosmos-1
so today . . . i am convinced that the cosmos plots against me. and no, i am not paranoid. you'll see . . .
next week rollie and diandra are going to be out of town for a few days. at the same time. which means i will be home all alone. aaaallllll alone.
:)
i occasionally need time by myself. i can't exactly explain why, i just know that i do. i mean totally by myself--the kind of by myself where the rest of my family is OUT OF TOWN. when we lived in oregon it seemed that it was easier for me to achieve this alone-time--rollie would have to go out of town for a meeting, and diandra would spend the night with a friend, and voila--i would be alone.
but now that we live so close to everything, rollie doesn't have to go out of town for meetings--he just goes across town. and while diandra is still sometimes gone overnight, it never seems to coincide with rollie's absence . . .
it isn't like the two of them are always in the same room with me. rollie spends much of his free time hanging out in the "man room," and diandra is out of the house quite a bit. but it isn't the same. if they are in the house, it changes the air pressure. really! i can feel them in the house. and they distract me--even if i can't see them, they are distracting to me. i know they are there . . .
but next week they are going to be gone for three days. three whole days. i got pretty excited about this. and i started planning . . . because whenever i am alone for more than a day, i do a project. i paint walls. i buy new sheets or towels. i rearrange things. i organize. i stay up late. i leave the tv on all night while i sleep. i eat ice cream and frozen pizza and chips. i go to a movie. all. by. myself.
it is heaven.
and so, as much as i love my family, i really look forward to those rare occasions that leave me home alone. like those three special days next week . . .
. . . and then . . .
i traded messages with a friend on facebook. he is going to be in town next week, and we were talking about the possibility of getting together. so i was looking at the calendar, and that's when i saw it--my newly scheduled colonoscopy. and guess when it is scheduled for? yes, while rollie and diandra are going to be gone! so i am going to spend my first two days alone drinking clear liquids. no ice cream. no pizza. no chips. and i am not going to feel good, because when i don't eat, i feel sick. so there will also be no project. no organizing. no new sheets or towels. no movies.
what there will be, on the third day, is an invasive procedure--which i will have to endure all by myself. someone unrelated to me will have to get up ridiculously early, come pick me up, take me to the medical center, wait for me, try to get me to wake up from the sedative--a nearly impossible task--and then leave me at home to sleep it off. all. by. myself.
this is not exactly the plan i had for myself next week. i am going to be alone, alright, but i am not going to be having any of the fun i had planned. instead i am going to be miserable, and no one will be here to hear me complain. rollie and diandra may be saying, "this is our lucky day!" but i am saying, "bah! humbug!!"
i told you--the cosmos hates me . . .
sigh.
next week rollie and diandra are going to be out of town for a few days. at the same time. which means i will be home all alone. aaaallllll alone.
:)
i occasionally need time by myself. i can't exactly explain why, i just know that i do. i mean totally by myself--the kind of by myself where the rest of my family is OUT OF TOWN. when we lived in oregon it seemed that it was easier for me to achieve this alone-time--rollie would have to go out of town for a meeting, and diandra would spend the night with a friend, and voila--i would be alone.
but now that we live so close to everything, rollie doesn't have to go out of town for meetings--he just goes across town. and while diandra is still sometimes gone overnight, it never seems to coincide with rollie's absence . . .
it isn't like the two of them are always in the same room with me. rollie spends much of his free time hanging out in the "man room," and diandra is out of the house quite a bit. but it isn't the same. if they are in the house, it changes the air pressure. really! i can feel them in the house. and they distract me--even if i can't see them, they are distracting to me. i know they are there . . .
but next week they are going to be gone for three days. three whole days. i got pretty excited about this. and i started planning . . . because whenever i am alone for more than a day, i do a project. i paint walls. i buy new sheets or towels. i rearrange things. i organize. i stay up late. i leave the tv on all night while i sleep. i eat ice cream and frozen pizza and chips. i go to a movie. all. by. myself.
it is heaven.
and so, as much as i love my family, i really look forward to those rare occasions that leave me home alone. like those three special days next week . . .
. . . and then . . .
i traded messages with a friend on facebook. he is going to be in town next week, and we were talking about the possibility of getting together. so i was looking at the calendar, and that's when i saw it--my newly scheduled colonoscopy. and guess when it is scheduled for? yes, while rollie and diandra are going to be gone! so i am going to spend my first two days alone drinking clear liquids. no ice cream. no pizza. no chips. and i am not going to feel good, because when i don't eat, i feel sick. so there will also be no project. no organizing. no new sheets or towels. no movies.
what there will be, on the third day, is an invasive procedure--which i will have to endure all by myself. someone unrelated to me will have to get up ridiculously early, come pick me up, take me to the medical center, wait for me, try to get me to wake up from the sedative--a nearly impossible task--and then leave me at home to sleep it off. all. by. myself.
this is not exactly the plan i had for myself next week. i am going to be alone, alright, but i am not going to be having any of the fun i had planned. instead i am going to be miserable, and no one will be here to hear me complain. rollie and diandra may be saying, "this is our lucky day!" but i am saying, "bah! humbug!!"
i told you--the cosmos hates me . . .
sigh.
Monday, July 26, 2010
my body rebels
so today . . . i am a big, fat failure.
well, to be more accurate, i am a small, skinny unsuccessful colon cleanser.
yes, i know, that is way more information than you ever wanted to have about me, but i've had a crummy weekend. and if you continue to read, you are going to find out why . . .
i have a digestive disease that now requires me to undergo yearly colonoscopies. am i lucky or what?! i have a wonderful g.i. doctor, whom i love, and i don't even mind the actual procedure. but preparation for the procedure is a nightmare! at least it is for me.
my colon hates me. it refuses to cooperate with normal methods of cleansing for this procedure. so my prep consists of at least two days on clear liquids, followed by drinking a gallon of a specially designed drink. (i will spare you the details of what it is specially designed to do . . . that's how much i love you all.)
i have endured several of these procedures over the last 25 years. and while the prep has been difficult for me, i have always been able to ingest enough of it so that my doctor could use her scope for the purpose for which it was intended--again, i will spare you the details.
but this weekend i was unsuccessful. i didn't eat one bite of anything for two whole days! i felt pretty bad. and when i tried to drink the vile concoction? i could not keep it in my body long enough for it to do it's thing! i tried. really, i did. and then i cut the dosage in half and tried again. i tried for five hours!! i finally realized it was just not going to happen . . . and i had to call and cancel my appointment at the last minute.
i feel like a failure. i hate that my doctor and her team had to get up early this morning for nothing (yes, i was their first appointment.) i miss the warm blanket and lovely sedative that accompany this procedure. and i really hate knowing that i am going to have to go through all of this again, because, you know, it is important that we find out just how much my colon hates me . . .
i wrote my doctor a despairing email last night, explaining the situation. she replied that we would try something else next time. i soon got an email from her nurse with a new plan of attack AND a new appointment. i think the new plan has a much better chance of success--it relies more on pills (which are also an issue for me, but that is a subject for another day,) and less on copious amounts of disgusting fluids. so i live to dread having a colonoscopy another day . . .
well, to be more accurate, i am a small, skinny unsuccessful colon cleanser.
yes, i know, that is way more information than you ever wanted to have about me, but i've had a crummy weekend. and if you continue to read, you are going to find out why . . .
i have a digestive disease that now requires me to undergo yearly colonoscopies. am i lucky or what?! i have a wonderful g.i. doctor, whom i love, and i don't even mind the actual procedure. but preparation for the procedure is a nightmare! at least it is for me.
my colon hates me. it refuses to cooperate with normal methods of cleansing for this procedure. so my prep consists of at least two days on clear liquids, followed by drinking a gallon of a specially designed drink. (i will spare you the details of what it is specially designed to do . . . that's how much i love you all.)
i have endured several of these procedures over the last 25 years. and while the prep has been difficult for me, i have always been able to ingest enough of it so that my doctor could use her scope for the purpose for which it was intended--again, i will spare you the details.
but this weekend i was unsuccessful. i didn't eat one bite of anything for two whole days! i felt pretty bad. and when i tried to drink the vile concoction? i could not keep it in my body long enough for it to do it's thing! i tried. really, i did. and then i cut the dosage in half and tried again. i tried for five hours!! i finally realized it was just not going to happen . . . and i had to call and cancel my appointment at the last minute.
i feel like a failure. i hate that my doctor and her team had to get up early this morning for nothing (yes, i was their first appointment.) i miss the warm blanket and lovely sedative that accompany this procedure. and i really hate knowing that i am going to have to go through all of this again, because, you know, it is important that we find out just how much my colon hates me . . .
i wrote my doctor a despairing email last night, explaining the situation. she replied that we would try something else next time. i soon got an email from her nurse with a new plan of attack AND a new appointment. i think the new plan has a much better chance of success--it relies more on pills (which are also an issue for me, but that is a subject for another day,) and less on copious amounts of disgusting fluids. so i live to dread having a colonoscopy another day . . .
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