ch-ch-ch-changes...

so today . . . i bought rollie a tie.

rollie doesn't wear ties much anymore unless he is officiating at a wedding or a funeral. so it has been several years since he has had a new tie. but today i bought him a new tie, because he is going to need it. he has a new job.

today is the beginning of another brand new year. usually i make resolutions on january 1. usually they are the same resolutions i made the year before and the year before that! yes, i am not so good at keeping my new year's resolutions. so this year i am only making one. this year, my new year's resolution is not to go crazy in 2011.

2011 is not going to be an easy year for me. 2011 is going to be a year of changes. and i am not a person who loves change. i like the familiar. i eat the same thing for breakfast nearly every day. i take the same route to and from the places i go. i listen to the same songs over and over again on my ipod. i play the same few games on my phone. i like the familiar.

but i have the feeling that the familiar is going to be elusive this next year. rollie is starting a new job, which sets a whole string of changes in motion. we will have to move into another house. we will have to find another house to move into. (yes, i will be a house hunter!) we will have to sort and pack all of our stuff. and diandra's stuff. and then unpack it all again. and put it away. rollie's schedule will change, which means my schedule will change. life will change.

and then there is diandra. she is getting married in march. we will be adding a son-in-law to our family. diandra will be a wife, but her husband will be thousands of miles away in the middle east for six more months. so she will continue to live with us for a while, but then the day is going to come when she is going to move out of our house and into one of her own. of course. but we will miss having her around. life will change.

and then there is my job. while finding a house and packing and moving and helping diandra with wedding stuff and adjusting to rollie's new job, i will still be teaching. i will be teaching several hours a day and trying to do all the other stuff after i get home. when i am already tired. when i should be blogging. or walking the dogs (ok, i confess--i am also making a resolution to walk the dogs at least a few days a week...) or cooking (ha! i'll bet you didn't expect that one :) it is going to be a while before i can come home, plop myself down on the couch with my computer, and spend the evening watching my favorite shows on tivo. life will change.

i am a little overwhelmed today, thinking about what the next few months are going to be like. i am thinking maybe i should just go to jamaica and come back in june. because i think that when i get through the next few months, when i have adjusted and dealt with the changes that are coming my way, my life is going to be quite different than it is today. different isn't always bad--sometimes different can be very good. but it is still different. and for a person who likes to know what each day is going to bring, that can be a little unnerving...

so my resolution for 2011 is not to go crazy. i will try to take each day as it comes. i will try not to think too far out into the future. i will work harder at finding something funny every day to laugh at. and to blog :)

because at the end of the day, the important things in my life are not going to change. i will still have a place to live. i will still have food in my refrigerator. i will still have a job. and i will still have a family who loves me.

2011, here we go...

a day to remember . . .

**i deleted this post this morning after reading diandra's comment explaining memorial day, because i felt kind of dumb. but tonight i decided to let it stand.

so today . . . is memorial day.

i admit that i am a little confused by this holiday. i always thought it was a day to remember those we love who are no longer with us. but it seems that everyone who is making any mention of celebrating this day is talking exclusively about people in the military. i thought that was what veteran's day was about. so now i am confused . . .

please don't misunderstand me. i absolutely think that anyone who is brave enough and selfless enough to enlist and serve in the military deserves every honor and prayer we can send their way. there are people in my life who have made that choice, and while it scares me to think of them in combat, it also makes me proud of them for being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to serve our country and make the world a safer place.

but i think it is good to have a day to reflect on the people we love that are gone now--a day when we can take some time to remember those we have lost, whether in the military or not.

there are three people that i think about every year on memorial day--my grandma, a special little girl named angela, and my friend nancy. every year i take a few minutes to just remember them--how they looked, how they sounded, what they meant in my life, how much i miss them . . . and this year i added my uncle jim, and my friend jim, to that list.

my list is short now, and i am grateful for that. i am very grateful that, even though this is apparently a day to focus on those who have died in service to their country, i don't know anyone like that. and i hope i never do.

i do know that as i get older, my list is going to get longer. but that is ok. i know i can't live my life continually mourning these losses, but i don't want to forget. these are people i love, and i miss them. each one of them was important to me and had an impact on my life. i want to honor them and remember them and keep them always alive in my heart.

kind of heavy thoughts--you might want to skip it today . . .

so today . . . i went to a funeral. this is my fourth funeral in three months, and the first one that made me cry.

my uncle passed away a few months ago. it was sudden and unexpected. i got a plane ticket, took a few days off work, and headed north to be with my family. his family did a great job of putting together a service that celebrated who he was, and they did it in a very short time. but i didn't cry. in my defense, i don't cry a lot. but this would be a time when you would think i might, and yet, i didn't. everything happened at such a whirlwind pace, that maybe it didn't really seem real to me that he was gone. and since i live so far away and only see him a couple of times a year, even though my brain knows he is gone, my heart hasn't quite grasped it yet. i can still kind of pretend that he is at home painting or tying fishing flies or going to garage sales . . .

the second funeral was just a couple of weeks later. it was for a very old lady at our church. she was not one of those grumpy, cranky old people that we all encounter occasionally. she was kind and sweet, and never complained about her physical issues--and she had plenty she could have complained about! so her death wasn't completely unexpected. she was ready to go, she knew where she was headed, and she was at peace with it. and while we will miss her, we know that it must be a relief for her to be in a place where she feels no pain and her body works like it is supposed to again. (i'm talking about heaven here, in case you didn't know . . . ) but it was awfully close to uncle jim's funeral. and while i didn't actually cry, it was just too close. i went, but i didn't let myself really participate. finally i just left and wandered around the church offices, waiting for it to be over.

the third funeral was for an older man who had been recently diagnosed with cancer. thankfully, he didn't have to battle it for too long. he lived his life in service to God, and his funeral was a send-off fit for, well, maybe the pope! his children and grandchildren loved him fiercely and were so proud of all he had accomplished, and they wanted us all to know that and remember it! they had quite a bit of time to plan the service, and they made the most of it. again, no tears for me, but i smiled several times at how this family was honoring the life of their dad. and they did it in such a way that it drew them closer together, which would have made their dad very proud too.

but today's funeral was different. today's funeral was for a 44 year old woman who had decided, for whatever reasons, that she was done living. i didn't know her. i've met her sister and parents, but i don't really know them. and yet as i sat there and saw a family that was going to forever have to live with the knowledge that their mom/daughter/sister had chosen to leave them, i cried. finally i cried. i don't know what her life was like. i don't know why she felt she couldn't cope with it any longer. i don't know why she decided to end her own life. but she left people behind who loved her and cared about her, and who will have to figure out how to continue on with their lives without her.

i'm sorry for the gloomy tone of today's blog. usually i try to write something that will make you laugh. but today, i just couldn't. today i feel very, very sad. whenever i go to a funeral, it gets me to thinking about my own mortality. when you go to one funeral every two or three years, it isn't too bad--i think about it for a day or two, and then life gets back to normal. but in the last few months, with all these funerals, i have been thinking about it a lot. i've been thinking about what the service should be like (you should take care of yourselves so you can outlive me, because you will want to be at my funeral!) i've been thinking about who gets what (which is pretty easy, since i only have one daughter!) i've been wondering if will there be ANY good pictures to use (because there will be no viewing, believe me!) but lately i've been thinking about what people will say about me when i'm gone. i try not to worry too much about what people say about me now, while i am alive. but when i'm gone, what will people remember about me?

a couple of years ago, one of our teachers lost her father. we went to the funeral, and later that week, another one of the teachers brought me a piece of notebook paper, all folded up. she said the funeral had started her thinking about how we never get to hear our own eulogies, because if there is a eulogy written about us, we are dead already. so she had decided to write eulogies for each of us, just to let us know how we had affected her life. it was so interesting to read what she had written about me. some of the things were things i kind of expected she would write, but there were a lot surprises in it as well. it was enlightening to see myself through her eyes . . .

but here's what i hope--i hope that when i am gone, people will remember my character and my personality and how i made them feel (which i hope will be good.) i hope that maybe i will have made a difference in someone's life. i hope people are not reduced to saying things like, "she had nice hair," or "she wasn't a bad driver," or "she sure knew how to accessorize," or the dreaded, "i never saw her without her nails done!"

it's easy to get into a rut and just kind of coast through life. i'm kind of doing that right now. but today's funeral made me realize that i need to get my act together. i don't want my life to overwhelm me. i don't want to hide from people--i want them to know who i am, really, not just let them think they know me. i want to be a positive voice in other people's lives. i want to live a long, long time.

i think i may need some vitamins . . . :)

unexpected treasure . . .

so today . . . i got a gift from one of my students. this is not an unusual occurrence at the end of the year. many times parents take this opportunity to show their appreciation for all the hard work a teacher has invested in their child over the last year. and invest, we do . . .

both of my parents are teachers. i don't really remember either of them bringing home "end of the year" teacher gifts. my dad taught jr. high earth science, and by the time kids are in jr. high their parents have kind of left the teacher gift idea behind. i guess if your child has 6 or 7 teachers instead of just one, gifts for everyone can be quite an expense. although, if you think about it, no one deserves an appreciation gift more than a jr. high teacher!!

my mom mostly taught second grade--she should have received gifts, but i don't remember very many . . . what i do remember is going to school with her on the last teacher workday of the year.

i always loved being at school with my mom. usually i would be the only non-adult in the school on that last workday. i would help take down bulletin boards, put stuff away, clean tables, whatever a 10 or 12 year old could do to help "batten down the hatches" for the summer. i loved the books and the papers and the smell of the room--it was kind of a mixture of chalk dust, text books, and crayons. when we got done, her room would be like a blank slate, just waiting for her to start all over again in the fall.

but my absolute favorite part of the day was that magic moment when i would open the top desk drawer in her big teacher desk . . . that is where she kept the confiscated toys that had accumulated over the past year. toys from home were not allowed at school, and if you brought one into my mom's classroom and she saw you playing with it, it no longer belonged to you--it belonged to her! there were ways of getting the toy back, but most required a parent's intervention, and who wants to tell their mom or dad that they broke the rules and now the teacher has their toy and they can't have it back unless you come and get it?!?

so by the end of the year, there could be quite an assortment of contraband in that desk drawer . . .

i remember most of the toys as being "boy" stuff--matchbox cars, marbles, small balls, army men. i guess boys were more inclined to try to bring something in their pockets than the girls were. of course, the boys had pockets--little girl clothing didn't really include that feature very often, which made it tricky to hide something from your mom or dad and get it to school undetected (especially since backpacks hadn't been invented yet. :) ) then again, maybe the little girls were just more devious when it came to hiding their treasures from the teacher . . .

i didn't care that it was mostly boy stuff. to me it was as good as a gift--opening that drawer was like ripping the wrapping paper off a box, and i knew i wanted whatever was in there before i even knew what it was. i usually got to claim those treasures as my own, although sometimes sharing with my little brother was a necessary evil. it didn't matter that these were not things i would choose for myself as toys. it didn't matter that they had belonged to someone else for a while. it didn't even matter that i would probably never play with them. the important thing was, they were an unexpected bonus--a surprise that i got to enjoy simply because my mom was the teacher.

i still remember that flutter of excitement, that promise of possibilities that i experienced on the day after the last day of school when i opened that top drawer in my mom's big desk. it's the same feeling i got today when jonathan handed me that little green gift bag . . .

as i said, i love presents. and i have a funny blog i wrote last year about an end of the year gift, which i was going to re-post today. but then i started writing the introduction for it, and look what happened . . .

so, i will re-post that blog tomorrow. right now, i have to go open the box that came for me in the mail today. it isn't a gift--it is something i ordered. but it still needs to be opened. and i've never seen it in person before, so it will kind of be a surprise. and who knows? maybe it will be even better than i expect it to be. it's all about the promise of possibilities . . .

for everything there is a season . . .

so today . . . i had a great blog rolling around in my head. i even had pictures . . .

that was earlier today. but it's going to have to wait until another day, because i have spent a good portion of my afternoon and evening making decisions about travel plans, doing laundry, packing, and trying to help the people around me make decisions about these same things. you see, yesterday my uncle passed away.

he was almost 80 years old. in fact, his family had been planning a big 80th birthday bash for him this summer. they had rented houses at the beach and were going to spend some time just enjoying him, and each other, and honoring his life. he had some health issues that made his life challenging some days, but he seemed to be managing fairly well with the help of modern medicine and his very patient wife.

he loved to fish and golf. and go to garage sales--that is where i remember him most vividly. whenever we would visit my parents in the summer, i knew that we were going to get up ridiculously early friday and saturday mornings so we could get in the car and race around the area looking at other people's stuff and hoping to find a treasure. which we did, more often than not. of course, everyone's definition of a treasure is different, and uncle jim was always on the lookout for something really great and terribly underpriced that he could turn into a profit. my dad was always looking for fishing gear or camping stuff or anything that someone had mentioned to him to "keep an eye out for." rollie's idea of treasure for a while was clamp-on shop lights. i know he looked for other stuff too, but it seemed like we always came home with clamp on shop lights. i looked for toys i could use at school, and my mom had a keen eye for glassware, puzzles, jewelry, and books. oh, and mcdonald's toys (remember the dalmatians?) and we never knew just what was going to catch diandra's eye . . .

so we would all pile in the car in the practically pre-dawn hours--my dad would drive, and my mom and uncle would be in the front seat, with rollie, diandra, and i in the back. and that is where the fun would begin. because uncle jim would juggle the newspaper that had the addresses for the sales with the thomas guide of maps and tell my dad where to go. but we didn't always end up where we thought we would, and words would be exchanged. sometimes my dad would end up with the steering wheel AND the newspaper AND the thomas guide--just briefly. they would sometimes "have words" but i don't remember them ever really being mad at each other.

what i do remember is lots of laughing. when i picture my uncle, i always see him smiling. his life wasn't always easy, especially in the last several years. i realize that i had a very limited view of him, because after we moved to california, i didn't get to see him much. but in the ways that matter, i think he would say he was blessed. he had a family who loved him--both the family he grew up in and the family that he raised. he loved God, and he was a good guy. when his time was up, he went the way most of us hope that we will--without any warning or suffering or extreme pain, just living life one day and then transitioning into the arms of his Lord as he slept--and leaving a legacy of faith that will live on in the lives of his children and grandchildren, and also in their children.

so i am headed up north tomorrow, because i want to be there to help honor his life. i want to hear what others remember about him, so that i will have a more complete picture. i want to be a part of the mixture of laughter and tears that always take place when we say goodbye. and i want his family to know that i loved him and will miss him . . . especially on those early friday and saturday mornings when we need someone besides THE DRIVER to read the thomas guide . . .

rocks, rocks everywhere . . .

so today . . . rollie and i went to the gem faire out at the orange county fairgrounds. this event lands at the fairground three times a year, i think. it has been a long time since we have gone, but i had tickets for free admission, and we had time, so off we went . . .

i LOVE rock shows. my dad is a "rock hound," and i remember going to rock shows with him when i was a kid. the venues weren't as big as they are now, but every single booth was stuffed with rocks--REAL ones--not glass beads or carved bone or silver charms and chains, but ROCKS! and these were not all cut and polished and set into jewelry--these rocks were raw and just waiting for US to cut and polish them and set them into jewelry. and we did. my dad would use his big rock saw (that had belonged to HIS grandfather, who shared his love for rocks) to cut the chunks into slabs. then i would look at piece after piece to find just the right one to cut into just the right shape, and then smooth and polish it so my dad could make it into a ring. i loved rings . . .

when we would go on vacation--the drive back to visit relatives in iowa--my dad didn't stop for much besides gas and food. but if we saw a good rock shop along the way, we could usually convince him that it was time to stretch our legs and check it out. and again, many times we returned to the car with a new rock in our possession.

one christmas, there was a huge box under the tree with my name on it. but the puzzling thing was that it was from my little brother. this box was big, and heavy, and it rattled. i was pretty sure it wasn't little shaped and scented soaps. it was too mysterious! on christmas morning i opened it without a clue about it's contents, and found . . . a bunch of gravel and crumpled up newspaper. it was pretty disappointing, because i had high hopes for what might be in that box (even if it was from my little brother.) and then, he pointed out the tiny wrapped bundle taped to one corner of the box. i opened it up, and there was a silver ring in the shape of a dragon, clutching a piece of polished sheen obsidian! it was a ring design i had fallen in love with, but hadn't been able to buy. and there it was, complete with a beautiful stone, in disguise, and under the tree just for me.

and then there were the rock tables. i don't know how many rock tables my dad made, but i wanted one so badly! so he said i could make a small one. he gave me some rocks to sort through and drew a circle the size of my little table so i could lay out the design. i picked the prettiest rocks, but what i really wanted was tiger's eye and i couldn't find any. when we started my table, my dad poured the resin into the form, carefully followed my "rock layout," added the crushed glass, and poured in more resin. we waited the requisite 10 days (i think) that seemed like forever for the table to dry. when the time came to pop it out of it's form, a miracle had occurred--there was a piece of tiger's eye in my little table after all!
several years after we were married, rollie bought me a beautiful amethyst ring for my birthday. we have a good friend who is a jeweler, and he and rollie had tracked down a lovely lilac colored stone cut in a very unique way and set it into a ring. it quickly became my favorite piece of jewelery, and my love for rocks began to take on a different look as rollie started collecting gemstones for me to wear.

when we were at the rock show today, looking at all those rocks in different colors and designs, i said to rollie, "you know, when God was creating the earth, He could have just made all the rocks the same--gray or blue or white--but He didn't. He used all these vibrant colors in all these different designs and forms, and then scattered them all over the world." when i think about it, the details of creation astound me. really. once, my goal was to collect one of each kind of rock and gemstone known to exist, but now i think that is an unattainable goal. new rocks are being discovered all the time--i can't keep up!

i love rocks. i feel all happy when i am looking at rocks. when i was little, i'm sure it was partly because of the connection i felt with my dad and his love for rocks, and i think that is probably still a part of it. i have a lot of good rock-related memories of my childhood. rollie continues to indulge my love for rocks--today, by going to the rock show with me and looking at rocks until his eyes were probably rolling back in his head. after we had walked up each and every aisle in the show, i said, "ok, we can go now." but he said, "no, we need to buy something to prove you were here!" because he knows that besides looking at all those beautiful stones, part of the fun of a rock shop is choosing something to take home to remind you of the fun you had looking at all those rocks . . .

oh, THAT'S what the little green dot is . . .

so today . . . i was just hanging out on the internet, trying to decide what to blog about, when a little green dot appeared at the bottom of my screen. yesterday, i realized that the little green dot means that my friend wendy is online.

it took me a little while to learn this. usually i use my computer with the sound off, because i am typically also watching tv or talking to rollie or i'm at school, and i don't want the computer making noise. so i didn't hear the "ding" when wendy was trying to message me. i would eventually SEE that she had been online, but by then she would be off. she couldn't figure out why i wouldn't respond, which i could tell by reading her comments --"why isn't this thing working?!?!?!" she would say.

but yesterday, i finally saw the green light and was able to respond when she tried to talk to me. and then tonight, i saw the light and IM'd her first! i am learning . . .

when you IM someone, the conversation is a little weird, because there is a bit of a time lag. most of the time while i am responding to what she has written, she is writing something else. so you sort of end up having two parallel conversations with the same person at the same time. it's interesting. and fun.

some might ask, why not just pick up the phone and call? i think it is kind of like the difference between interacting on a social page like myspace or facebook, and writing a letter. a letter or a phone call needs an agenda, but you don't really have to have anything to say to message someone. it's just a little, "hey, how are you doing?" and then you move on. even the subject matter tends to be a little trivial and changes quickly. after all, if you had anything important to say, you would call . . .

some people bemoan the isolation of a society of people sitting at home communicating by typing messages to each other on their computers instead of getting out there and living their lives among others. i agree that it is probably not socially or emotionally healthy if all your relationships are electronic ones. but the truth is, i am finding that i am able to renew and sustain friendships with people who don't live where i do, that were all but lost to me before myspace, facebook, instant messaging, and blogs became a part of my life. if i wait until i have something important to say before i write or call anyone, it never happens. but the beauty of the internet is that sometimes just posting "hey, i was thinking about you today," can start an electronic conversation that helps connect people. (and besides, without twitter and blogs i would never know where diandra was . . . )

i wasn't going to blog tonight, because wendy and i IM'd for about 40 minutes, and i didn't have any idea of what to write about, and i was hungry. my plan was to just explain that, so at least there would be something for you guys who check my blog every day (thank you!) to read, and then i was headed for the kitchen.

but look what happens once i get started. the beauty of the internet strikes again . . .

an average day turned into a good day

so today . . . i have blogger's block! i had 3 or 4 paragraphs written about american idol (which returns this week! yeah!) but then i thought probably most of you wouldn't be that interested in it. i thought about what happened at school today, but it was just an average day, although we did have spinach at lunch (do i really have to say it? YUCK!) and then it was time to head for the church--worship band practice, dinner, and bible study. some weeks wednesdays exhaust me and some weeks they exhilarate me. i thought today was going to be an exhausting one, but it turned out not to be.

it was the teens--they rock!! after dinner, provided by my wonderful husband, i walked into the teen room for something and had conversations with three different kids, then another one outside. here is the thing i love about our church--it doesn't matter who you are, people like you. really. we aren't all "cool" but it doesn't matter. you know how whenever people get together, whether it is at a party or a class or a church, people tend to get into groups with other people like them. but at our church, you see different kinds of people talking to each other all over the place. i love that! those teens don't seem to think about my age--they see me coming and they smile and hug me and talk. truthfully there are times when their drama makes me want to scream. but tonight there was no drama coming my way--just some kids with new phones or old shoes or cracked screens, or guitar players wanting to be drummers. and talking to them lifted my otherwise ordinary day out of the "average" category and into the "good" category.

one more doubletree inn cookie would have elevated it into the "great" category, BUT SOMEBODY ATE IT!!!!

random recess ramblings

so today . . . at recess the kids were playing pretty well. i mean, i wasn't constantly responding to tattling, bickering, and tears. two little girls had a ball, and they were bouncing it back and forth to each other instead of fighting over it. several kids were actually building with the giant foam blocks instead of whacking each other with them. nobody was being run over by a bike or a scooter. and the basketball players were throwing the basketballs at the hoop instead of kicking them at each other. i don't know what it is about recess, but some days the attempted violence is surprising!

anyway, as i said, today the cooperation factor was high, and so there wasn't a lot that demanded my attention. i was sitting on a chair (we were inside today because of the dust from the new construction, which is too bad because it was BEAUTIFUL outside today--85 degrees!) holding a tiny little girl who just needed some extra attention. and after a few minutes, i realized that several different children had come up to me and said just one thing. i didn't have any conversations--they just ran up, told me something, and then ran off. it was kind of funny, so i started keeping track of what they said.

"do you know what i was for halloween?"

"when my sister was a baby she was very, very fat!"

"my mom has a new phone, but she doesn't know how to use it."

"my face is wet!"

"yesterday i wore my tights."

"on saturday night . . . no wait, it was sunday night . . . no, saturday night i ate a lot of spinach."

it made me laugh--all these random thoughts just thrown my way . . . and yet, when i connect each thought with the child who said it, i realized that it did reveal a little bit more about who they are and what their family is like. it sort of reminded me of blogging--lots of different people writing about random things. but as they write, they reveal something about who they are and what is important to them. i think that is why i like to read blogs--sometimes they make me laugh and sometimes they make me think, but they always reveal something about the person who wrote them.

but that's not why i blog. i blog because i have found that i like to write. i blog because choosing one thing to write about every day helps me to see that my days are NOT all the same. i blog because i LOVE words. i blog because my mom lives 1000 miles away, and even though i talk to her on the phone once in a while, it's not enough! i blog because what if i get senile and start forgetting things? i blog because it is fun! and if it reveals something about me, well, i guess i will just have to accept that . . .

when did my daughter get so smart?

so today . . . i was sitting by diandra at church, and we were talking. i was telling her about some of the stuff that had been bothering me. she would make a comment occasionally, but mostly she listened. then she said some very wise things, and ended with, "you know mom, this is out of your control. there is nothing you can do about it. and worrying about it and being mad about it is only hurting you. you just need to let it go. either you trust God with this or you don't. it's your choice."

i have to say that while i now felt a little annoyed with HER, i was also proud. because she was right. i needed to just let it go and let God take care of it. i could choose to continue to rant and rave about it, or i could step back and let God handle it. diandra is probably the only person who could have said that to me without making me feel more irritated. there was a little part of me that thought she would support my anger, or at least think i was right. but she didn't. she listened to me, and then pointed me back in the direction i needed to go. she didn't tell me what i wanted to hear--she told me what i needed to hear.

so that's what i am going to try to do--i'm going to let it go. i'm not totally over the emotions of the situation yet, but i have decided to stop worrying about it. God can handle it--he probably doesn't even need my help! and thanks diandra, for helping me get through today--i needed it! now i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day!

some days . . .

so today . . . was kind of a hard day. some days are like that. i wish they weren't, but they are. most of my days are pretty good--i have a wonderful, loving family, i have a steady job that pays me more than i could make working at the mall, i have two dogs who are a riot and are always happy to see me, i live in a place where the sun shines most of the time, and so most of my days ARE pretty good. but today was not.

the fact is, i am not in control of everything. stuff happens around me that affects me that i cannot control. i hate that! it is one thing to deal with the consequences of my own actions, but when i have to deal with the consequences of the decisions made by other people, i am not a happy camper. my choices may not always be the best ones, but they make sense (at least to me.)

about a year and a half ago i was driving rollie's car and got rear-ended by a HUGE pick up truck. i wasn't hurt, but the car was smushed! it totalled the back end, and it was in the shop for a month while they completely rebuilt it. it was a nightmare for me, and i couldn't help thinking if only. "if only i had left the house a little bit later . . . if only i had gone on through the yellow light instead of stopping (i know, but we live in california!) . . . if only i had taken a different route . . . if only i had gone in someone else's car . . . " i suppose any of those decisions could have resulted in a safe trip. but the cause of the accident was really a guy who was following a bit too closely, made an assumption about what i was going to do, and then took his eyes off the road for just a second. and so i suffered the consequences for his decisions. (so did he when his insurance company got the bill!)



today i am having a bit of a hard time. i know i will get through it, because i always do. again, i have a pretty good life and soon, that life will overcome the issues i am dealing with now. the stuff that is bothering me today will get resolved or just fade away over time. i guess is isn't all that important. what is important is the people in my life who love me (all 4 of you!) i know they will be there no matter what. they will not give up on me, or tell me to just get over it. they will love me, and try to help me, and do their best to understand me, and let me know that i am not alone. and so even though today was difficult, tomorrow will probably be better--or maybe the next day . . .

a good teacher

so today . . . my school kids made me laugh. they do and say stuff all the time that is funny, but i usually just sort of chuckle to myself and move on. the truth is, if i laugh out loud they never stop! then they start TRYING to be funny, and things just deteriorate from there. but today i laughed, and it was fun. (i admit i was already feeling a little giddy, since my new computer was on the ups truck headed to my house.)

then later in the day i heard a conversation among 4 year olds that didn't include the phrases, "i won't be your friend anymore," or "i'm going to tell the teacher," or "fine! you can't come to my birthday party," or even the ever popular "TEACHERRRR! he won't share!" which really means "i want it and he won't give it to me." instead, they were talking about kids they knew that didn't go to our school anymore. "do you remember adam? he was so funny! one time milk came out of his nose," and "remember mikey? where did he go?" it was just fun to watch their little faces and hear their little voices having a real conversation. they were looking at each other and talking to each other and thinking about what the other person said and then responding. they weren't just reacting to what was happening around them; they were thinking about something--their lost friends--and talking about it. it was cute! they could have been 20 years old, sitting around eating cold pizza, drinking sodas, and talking about the kids they used to know from high school.

it is easy for me to get caught up in being the teacher at school. there is so much to accomplish in one year, so many expectations to be met. and then there is the whole issue of behavior and classroom management. i try to be a good teacher, but today i remembered that being a good teacher is more than just reaching academic goals and having a class of well behaved students. it also means seeing who these children are going to become and enjoying the people that they already are. so i am going to laugh out loud more, and if things escalate from there, oh well . . . a good teacher should be able to handle a classroom full of giggles!

i have no words, and yet i blog . . .

so today . . . i lost a friend. it's hard to describe how i feel. i am overwhelmingly sad, but at the same time i am glad that he is no longer suffering and in pain. he has been battling cancer for so long--about seven years. he fought hard to stay alive and did everything in his power to beat the disease, but early this morning his battle came to an end.

i am at a loss for words here. i have tried several times to write this paragraph, but nothing seems right. we were friends for a long time, maybe best friends. jim and his wife becky, and rollie and i used to get together and play cards once a month. if we went to their house, becky would always prepare a wonderful dinner; if they came to our house, we ate pizza. our daughters became friends. jim and rollie were both pastors, and sometimes the conversations we had while playing cards helped them keep their sanity. it was good to have friends who understood our lives in a way most people can't. there were times when our conversations would help solve problems; there were times when we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. those friday nights saved us--we were able to be ourselves, knowing that no matter what was said or done, we would still be friends.

it is hard to maintain a friendship when great distances separate you, and now that we live over 1000 miles apart we rarely get to see each other any more. and so it is really hard for me to believe that jim is gone, because he is still very much alive in my mind--graciously eating pizza for the hundredth time, taunting my lack of skill at rook, mocking something i said. he was like that annoying little brother that you look forward to seeing. he loved his family, he loved his church, he loved God, he loved people. he was a good guy.

so today i am sad. not for jim, because as his wife said, he is finally well! but for all of us who will miss him. he fought this battle with courage and determination and integrity. even in the midst of his illness, he tried to be kind and encouraging to the people he encountered. and i think that today jim can say, " I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Tim 4:7 (NIV)

to make resolutions or not to make resolutions . . .

so today . . . was the first day of 2009! a chance for a brand new start! i love brand new anything, but this year i am not making any new years' resolutions. i mean what is the point? i am never successful at keeping those good intentioned resolutions. is anyone? i think january should be called the month of unsuccessful attemps!

i don't know why it is so hard to keep my resolutions. several years ago, i decided it was because i made too many, so my efforts were kind of scattered and nothing was ever accomplished. the solution to this was clear--make fewer resolutions. i tried that by cutting my list down to only the very most important resolutions, the ones that would make the most difference in my life. it still didn't work--by february i had pretty much given up on all of them. so the next year i decided to just choose one really important thing that i wanted to change and focus on that--just one! as it turns out, the number of resolutions wasn't really the problem, because i was unable to keep even one! ok, i thought, maybe it is the curse of january--just too much pressure to start (or stop) doing something on january 1st. so i decided i would make my resolutions at the beginning of any month that started on a monday--the beginning of a new month AND a new week, and without all the "first of the year" hoopla. but i soon discovered that too many oportunities for a new start kept me from starting anything new--after all, if it didn't work out this time, another opportunity would come around in a few months when i could try again!

as a result of all of this, i have come to the conclusion that if i am going to make changes in my life, i just need to pick one and do it. the time frame isn't important. in fact, sometimes focusing on that self-imposed time frame immobilizes me. maybe i need to start (or stop) on a thursday or a saturday rather than a monday. maybe i need to give myself some time to ease into a new behavior instead of expecting it to be instant. maybe, just maybe, i need to stop focusing on what i need to change and start focusing on how far i have already come! i don't know . . .

what i do know is that i am not yet the person i want to be. you would think by this point in my life i would have my act together, but i don't. maybe i never will. but for now, i think i will start out this new year by trying to give myself a break. i'm never going to vacuum every day (sorry if that shocks some of you!) i'm never going to exercise regularly. i'll never be finished organizing my closet. and as for menu planning, let's just say that unless my mom and dad are visiting, it is anybody's guess what we will have for dinner on any given night! my digital music collection is never going to be the way i want it. and the only way my photos will ever get organized is if i quit my job and devote the rest of my life to it. BUT i think i am becoming more patient and maybe even a little bit more compassionate. i am trying to overcome my fears and do some new things (who would have thought i would ride a zipline through the treetops in a rain forest?) and i am trying to just keep moving forward and not let circumstances overwhelm me. so maybe at the end of 2009, i will find that i have progressed, even if my carpets are still waiting to be vacuumed.

so today . . . is new year's eve. i had a kind of funny blog percolating about my nightmare at the grocery store today, but i need a certain irritated energy to write about what happened, and since then i have had a great dinner (which i did not have to prepare) and watched a cute movie. so i'm feeling a bit calmer now, and it just isn't coming to me. i guess i'll have to write something else.

2008 was a roller coaster year for me. i had some really wonderful times (like our anniversary cruise, a visit from an out of town friend, a road trip with diandra, getting used to my "new" car,) some not so wonderful times (rollie's broken finger and subsequent surgeries, wondering if i would have a job in september as my class size decreased, ongoing health issues,) and some really terrible times (i'm not even going to list them!) really, i guess that is just the way life is most of the time--some good, some bad, a lot of just "normal." it just seemed this year like we were living in extremes--really, really good or really, really bad. but i hope that when we look back on 2008, what we will remember is how we were together through it all, how we helped each other to laugh and to cry and to keep going (because there were times when we wanted to leave it all and move to australia!) i have the BEST family! my mom and dad, who are still going strong in their seventies--my husband who surprises me by bringing a soda to me at work, AND THEN gives me a brownie too, AND THEN tells me he just took my car to be washed AND waxed, and all on his day off--my daughter who has the most beautiful smile in the world, and is one of the smartest, bravest, funniest people i know. i hope 2009 is going to be a better year for all of us!