when "good enough" just isn't...

so today . . . i am trying to wrestle my ocd tendencies into submission. but they are strong and somewhat resistant...

first of all, let's be clear--i have never been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. i'm pretty sure if i were tested for it, medical professionals would laugh me out of their offices. but i do have some tendencies that scream OCD!!! probably a more accurate description of my idiosyncrasies would be "frustrated perfectionist." i want things to be perfect. i need things to be perfect. yet, i know that things will never be perfect--hence, the "frustrated" part--so i don't even want to try.

well, that is not exactly true. sometimes i try. sometimes i look at a project and think, "i can do this. it may take me months and months, but i can do it." my closet is a perfect example of this. i clean it out. i organize it. i catalog it. i list everything in it. i organize the list. then i clean it out again. reorganize it. update the list. go shopping. update the list. clean it out again. and so on. and so on.

this is why it took me over a year to organize my digital music files just the way i wanted them. (i have a lot of music.)

i recently decided that it would be a good idea to digitize all my old negatives. when diandra was born, we decided that every photo we took of her was priceless and irreplaceable. so i immediately became worried that there would be a fire or a flood which would destroy both my photos and the negatives. (i'm not paranoid either. really.) i needed insurance . . . and it came in the form of velveeta cheese boxes and my mother.

the only solution i could see to save my precious photos from natural disasters (or unnatural ones) was to keep the negatives in a different location than the photos. since i had the photos, i decided my mother should have the negatives. so i put the negatives in velveeta cheese boxes (which fit them perfectly,) and gave them to my mom to keep at her house. my mom also had a set of photos--we always printed doubles--but for some reason i always thought her house was safer from fire or flood than mine. so i entrusted the precious negatives to her...

then we entered the digital age. and the priceless photos yellowed, and the negatives lay hidden in the dark at my mom's house. and i developed this need to digitize them. so i decided to scan the strips of 35mm film into my computer. but it wasn't as simple as it sounds...

i am using my beloved canon photo printer/copier/scanner which i have had for a few years. it is specially designed to scan negatives, which is one of the reasons i bought this particular model. but now that i am ready to scan my negatives, i can't find the manual. no problem, i thought. i will just go online and download the manual. which i did. and it was not helpful at all, because it kept saying, "refer to the manual that came with your printer for specific instructions." yes, that would have been great advice if i could find the manual that came with my printer. but i can't. which is why i downloaded one. i could see a vicious catch 22 developing . . . so i decided manuals were highly overrated. i would just figure it out for myself. how hard could it be?!?!?!

i lifted the lid and saw some irregularities in the plastic. ok, let's just take this thing apart, i thought. which was probably a good first step, because i found the part that should hold each piece of film, but i couldn't figure out how to snap it back into the lid. i turned it. i flipped it. it HAD to go where the light strip was, but i could not figure out how to make it stay there. i laid it on the glass while i poked around some more. which is how i discovered it would snap into place on the glass and then the light strip would lower onto it. it was a clever design, but not exactly intuitive--at least not for me!

i started scanning in the negatives. i scanned several rolls of film and was delighted to see my baby's precious face emerging. and then i went to bed.

the next day when i started scanning photos, i realized that for some reason, many of the photos were taken from quite a distance away. what if i wanted to crop one? what if i wanted to print an 8x10 of one? i checked the resolution and realized that it was not going to be enough. so, you know what i had to do? i had to re-scan all those negatives at a higher resolution! yes, i said re-scan. because it wasn't going to be good enough to just do all the rest at the higher resolution--i had to do them ALL!

you see?!?!? ocd tendencies. because really, am i ever going to do anything with those old photos? probably not--they aren't that good. but then i look at that smiling baby face, and realize that i want the best resolution i can get.i fear that i am going to be working on these photos for a long, long time. because i still haven't figured out how i am going to scan the 110mm film. and then once i get them all into the computer, i have a date with photoshop. there are imperfections that need to be erased, deterioration that needs to be restored, and colors that need to be corrected.

i'm going to be working on these until i die . . .

even when i TRY to do the right thing . . .

so today . . . it became clear to me that i should always play before i work. rollie, the work before play guy, is now fighting the urge to scream, "NNOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

and his eye is twitching ;)

i've been cleaning for about a week now. i am not just cleaning--i am CLEANING! i am vacuuming nooks and crannies, i am scrubbing walls, i am checking for pesky cobwebs. i washed the filter in the vacuum cleaner, i used a toothbrush to clean the top edge of the baseboard, i used a pumice stone to eradicate hard water stains on porcelain surfaces. i've filled several bags with clothing we no longer need, for charity. this is how i know it is summer--i go into "i must clean everything!" mode.

it is good that i do this, because during the school year i am mostly in "i think i will just sit here and hope that the house cleaning fairies come while i am not looking" mode. but they never come . . .

i make lists. i make schedules. this is important to the cleaning process, because i feel successful every time i mark something off my list. when i started channeling mr. clean ten days ago, i even scheduled in a couple of days where i didn't have to do much--sort of like rest days. only since i never get everything done, they turned out to be catch up days.

and then saturday night, i realized that everything was not going to get done on my time table. so, what to do, what to do . . . i know! make new lists! so that is what i did--a list for sunday, a list for monday, and a list for tuesday. some things from the old list did not make it onto the new list. the drapes will not get shaken. the windows will not get washed. (ok, those things weren't on the first list either--i'm not insane!!) but my plane leaves on wednesday, so some tasks had to go.

yesterday was pretty much taken over by church in the morning and then the fireworks stand until midnight, so today i needed to spend some serious time with my lists. this was not going to be a day to read or watch tv or even turn on my computer (because that is where my trouble begins . . . ) i went to look at my monday list to see what to do first, but my lists had gone a.w.o.l. yep, they were nowhere to be found.

now what to do? i can't work without my lists!! rollie said, "can you make new lists?" no, i cannot! the whole reason i make lists is so that i don't have to think about what to do! once i write something on the list, it is out of my head. i tried to work, but couldn't finish anything. what was the point? i couldn't mark it off my list, because i couldn't find my lists! i finally gave up, started the laundry, and sat down with my computer.

and there they were. under my computer.

you see?!?!? if i had just been my usual lackadaisical self, i would have found my lists much earlier, and maybe been more productive! or maybe not, since i would have had my computer in my lap. because now, my computer is on. and facebook is only a click away from blogger . . .

maybe i should have put 'taking care of my facebook games' on one of my lists. because now that the lists are back in my possession, i feel this obligation to at least mark something off today . . .

what day is it again???

so today . . . it is really tomorrow.

i spent the whole afternoon and evening playing on my virtual farm. i really love the way it is turning out, but i had to move things repeatedly to get it to where i liked it.

i'm a perfectionist, and tonight it cost me. if only everything didn't have to be perfect, i would have been done much earlier. but i moved fences and pathways and trees several times in order to get them just where i wanted them. so now it is actually 12:50 a.m. saturday morning, although it is going to post at 11:54 p.m. on friday night.

here is my dark little secret--i can manipulate the time my blogs post. really, i can. so, mom, those nights when my blog posts at 11:54ish . . . it was really well past midnight before i got done. but again, perfectionist that i am, i want to post one blog every day--not skip one day, post in the early morning hours, and then post again that night. that would just be wrong. i am not going to post two blogs on one day. nonononononono! not happening.

i had a good blog rolling around in my head today, too. we took the school kids on a walking field trip to the park, and i was going to write about it. i have pictures and everything. so i am thinking that i will write about it tomorrow, even though it happened today.

that will make tomorrow's blog so yesterday . . . instead of so today . . . even though today's blog was, in reality, so tomorrow . . .

don't even try to figure it out. your head might explode! i know mine is threatening to do just that if i don't lay it on a pillow within the next ten minutes . . .

at least it isn't a rerun . . .

so today . . . was just an average, normal, uneventful day.

this makes it hard to blog. what do i write about . . .

i had half a whole wheat bagel for breakfast. as usual, i was in a rush to get out the door this morning, and that is what they were serving for breakfast at school, so i helped myself--half a whole wheat bagel WITH cream cheese. i decided to toast it, which i rarely do, but today i just felt like a warm and toasty bagel. so i sliced it in half and dropped it in the toaster. when it was done, it popped up. well, sort of. i heard it pop up, but only half of my half came up high enough that i could grab it. so i did, and then just stood there staring at the other half that was still resting low in the toaster. had i been at home, i would have grabbed my trusty 'pampered chef' bamboo toast grabber and had that bagel out of there in seconds. but i was at school--with no trusty pampered chef bamboo toast grabber. i am kind of a wimp and did not want to suffer burned fingers. so i did the only thing i could--i picked up a knife and thought about sticking it in the toaster.

don't worry! clearly i am still alive. and since i'm not writing this from my hospital bed, i did not electrocute myself. but all i had was that knife. it was a really sharp knife. so i very, very carefully stuck the tip of the knife into the bagel--NOT into the toaster. i stabbed that bagel and pulled it out without even coming close to electrocution. (ok mom, you can start breathing again!)

and then i spent the school day listening to joshua chatter. jonathan is on vacation this week, so during instructional time, it is just joshua and me. so he is talking A LOT! yesterday i thought it would make a great blog to just keep track of all the funny comments joshua made throughout the day. by noon i had given up! i just couldn't keep up, and he is so random sometimes that seeing what he said written down just didn't communicate what he had said. it is true that there are times when you just had to be there . . .

we did spend some time working on our facebook farm. as with everything, i am somewhat ocd when it comes to my farm. joshua is not. i have actually "paid" to clear a previously plowed field, so that i could move it just a bit one way or the other in order for all my plowed plots to be aligned properly (and i still have a few to correct.) i plant the same crops in adjacent plots. i line my trees up neatly. i carefully do the math to see which crops will make the most money for me. joshua cares nothing for all my careful planning. i don't know, maybe there is a plan in his little head, but i cannot figure it out. so today we planted tomatoes, strawberries, grapes, corn, and rice all over the place. at least it will be interesting to look at . . .

we also have a cow, a horse, and a pig wandering about the place. but yesterday, we got enough points to "unlock" a puppy. this does not mean that we can get a puppy--it only means that we can give puppies as gifts to our other farmer friends. joshua doesn't quite get this. (actually, neither do i!) but i said, "don't worry, maybe sherry will give us a puppy." sherry has gifted all my animals to me, and all my fruit trees too, so i thought there was a good chance she would send us a puppy. but today, there was no puppy. so we decided to be more direct. we went to visit sherry's farm, and looked for all her animals (she has lots of trees, so the unpenned animals can be hard to find.) and then we wrote to her and asked her for a puppy. so we will see what happens tomorrow.

i came home and spent a little time helping rollie's mom figure out how to email photos. it can be very confusing if you have never done it before. i tried to make it as simple as possible, and she did a great job following my directions. she is probably going to turn into a picture-taking-email-sending maniac! that's what happens when you get a new camera, you know.

and now i am sitting here, wearing flannel, watching american idol and dancing with the stars, fighting off milo (who apparently hasn't licked my face enough in the last few days,) eating dark chocolate m&m's and thinking "will they even bother to check my blog tomorrow?!?" i've got to get out more . . .

warning!! girlie blog!

so today . . . has been a collection of horrors! and most of them have revolved around my new nail polish.

you see, it is spring now--heralded by the arrival of easter and warmer temperatures. it is time to get out the shorts and sandals and put the sweaters and boots out of sight. and for me, it is also time to put away the really dark nail polish and lighten up a bit.

nail polish is a pretty cheap indulgence, and a new color can enhance my mood in a positive direction. the problem this time was, i got the craving for a new nail color after 9:00 p.m. when both sephora and ulta were closed. this reduced me to shopping at target as they are open until 10:00 p.m.--which also limited my choices. however, i did manage to find a pretty springtime color and headed home feeling happy.

until this morning . . .

to my horror, after just one day, the bright pink nail polish was chipped on several of my nails! and i don't mean tiny little chips either--i mean great big hunks of it missing. and because of the way i plan my mornings (ok, maybe "plan" isn't exactly the right word--maybe "race through" would be more accurate,) there was no time for repair work. so i threw the bottle of defective polish into my bag and headed out the door.

some people might be able to move throughout their day without giving this another thought. i am not one of those people. i knew this was going to affect my whole day . . .

it was a busy morning--no time for repairs. so i just tried to tuck the chipped fingernails out of sight as much as possible and watched the clock and waited until my lunch break. and waited. and waited.

story time rolled around, and i began to read. but as i am holding the book (which i had to do with unclutched fingers) i can see the big, chipped nails. and then, when i point at something in one of the pictures with my left index finger, which is the worst one, i immediately recoil--from my own hand! not good not good not good . . .

ok, i can keep my hands in my pockets during recess, and i have to wear serving gloves at lunch time, so if i can just get through that, then i can do the repair work . . . but i have not taken into account the deterioration of the manicure. by now, more than half the fingernails are affected and in a major way.

so, at recess i am holding my phone (because, guess what? i don't HAVE pockets today) and i am texting diandra about my sad state of affairs. she is my precious, loving daughter. she will feel my pain. i even send her a photo (which none of you will ever see) because in all her 24 years, she has never seen my nails look this bad, and i want her to know what i am up against. a few seconds later, i receive a picture back--from her dad. (remember the wonderful blog i wrote about him yesterday? i take it all back!) there he is, mocking the claw-like pose of my hand with his own clean and trimmed nails, while smiling faces (including my precious offspring, who i labored for 28 hours to bring into this world!!!) leer at me in the background. ok, i'm thinking, diandra is toast . . . that picture was for her eyes only! the three of us exchange text messages--they think theirs are funny. i do not, and my return messages reflect that.

finally it is my lunch time. BUT since i was in such a rush this morning, i did not bring food to school with me, which means a trip to a fast food establishment. which means the repair work must be put off yet again, as i only have half an hour for lunch.

i pull into the drive through at chick-fil-a and order. as i approach the window and pull out my wallet, i realize that the window is on the left side of me--MY WORST HAND. it's ok, i tell myself. i live in a large metropolitan area. what are the odds that i will see the people at this window ever again.

"hey, there's the lady in my miata!" these are the words that greet me from the young man waiting to give me my food and take my money. yes, we have talked several times before. he covets my car, and so he always remembers me. but i am thinking, "oh no! oh no! oh no!" as he hands me my food. i put my hand underneath the bag as i reel it in, so as to hide the offending nails. this is a little bit of a risky move, in that if the bag is unbalanced it could fall to the ground. but i am willing to take that risk as long as it keeps my horrible nails hidden. so far, so good.

and then, it is time to pay. i take my atm card out of my wallet, only to discover that there is no way to hand it to him without exposing the chips. i panic just a moment, and then sandwich the card between my fingers, turn my hand over so the palm is up (hoping i look casual) and flip it out the window. he takes the card with no problem. but when he hands me back my receipt and atm card, i am busted. there is no way to take it without displaying the disgraceful chipped polish. so i snatch my card as quickly as i can, say thank you, and zoom-zoom out of there.

i just know the next time i see him at the window, he will greet me with the words, "hey, it's the lady with the horribly chipped bright pink nail polish! i can't believe you have the guts to come here again!"

the rest of my afternoon is uneventful, because it is just me and jonathan--and my embarassing fingernails. and jonathan is too involved in his own stuff to notice. either that, or it just looks normal to him. because, you know, some people do walk around with big hunks chipped out of their nail polish, and it apparently doesn't bother them.

but for me, i couldn't take it. i felt unsettled all day. i raced home and headed for the nail polish remover! and heaved a big sigh of relief.

and then diandra said, "hey mom! want to go to the beauty supply store with me? you could get some nail polish . . . "

my family. they are funny, funny people . . .