the waiting game...

so today . . . this is not going to be a funny blog--just warning you, so that you can go watch a sitcom if you need a good laugh today.

we are trying to buy a house. trying. we have looked at 19 houses and finally settled on the first house i saw. so we made an offer. and the owners made a counter offer. and we responded to their counter offer. and that is where the trouble began...

sadly, the people selling the house are getting divorced. sadly for them, and sadly for us. because, for them, coming to terms on the sale of this house is not just about selling a house--it's also about the end of a relationship. and sadly for us, because until we come to terms, we don't have a house.

we really like this house. it is spacious. it has had some pretty extensive updating--wood laminate floors, new windows, cherry kitchen cabinets, granite counter tops, and a huge covered area in the back yard. it has four bedrooms and three bathrooms, a living room and a family room. the location is good, and if they agree to our price, then it is also a good deal.

if they agree to our price...

because even though house prices are down, housing is still not what you could call "affordable" in southern california. the bank has agreed to loan us an adequate amount to purchase a home, but those funds are not unlimited. this house has been on the market for several months. they are anxious to sell it. i'm sure their realtor is anxious to sell it. we are anxious to buy it. we are their first serious offer. the wife has signed off on it, but the husband thinks they can get more money. and maybe they could, if they didn't need to sell it fairly quickly. but they do. they are out of resources. they are supporting separate households, as well as this house. they need to sell it.

and yet, the husband hangs on...

the wife has had enough. she wants to sell the house and be done with it. she is taking the husband to court to force him to agree to our offer. on friday, the realtors said if we could just wait a little bit, they thought it would all work out.

and so, we waited...

they went to court today, but the husband's attorney didn't show up. so they scheduled a second court appearance for next monday. in the mean time, the husband wants to send us another counter offer, but the wife won't sign. she doesn't want to play his games. she wants to sell the house and be done with it.

and so we wait some more...and hope that no one else makes a higher offer while we are waiting...

we said we were not going to fall in love with a house until the papers were signed. we said we could walk away if our offer wasn't accepted. we said when we found the right house, everything would work out.

and that was all true. at first...

but now we have been thinking about this house for a couple of weeks. as we were deciding if this was the house for us, i started mentally arranging my furniture in it, and choosing colors for the bedrooms, and thinking about what kind of plants i wanted to put in the backyard. i've driven past it after school and clocked how far it was to t.j. maxx (which, btw, is dangerously close...) and so now, it kind of feels like it is supposed to be our house. it feels like home.

but maybe it isn't...

maybe there is something we don't know about this house. maybe the plumbing is about to fall through the ceiling. or maybe the neighborhood is filled with obnoxious teenagers (i'm not saying all teenagers are obnoxious, but you know that some of them are. and what if they all live in this particular neighborhood. with their obnoxious parents. and their obnoxious cars. and their obnoxious pets... wait, i guess i'd better back off on the obnoxious pet part--we have two noisy dogs...) maybe when the big earthquake hits, the gigantic pine trees that the city so "graciously" planted in front of the house are going to fall over onto the house and destroy it. maybe there is a dead body buried under the deck...

i trust God, even when it comes to buying a house. i know He has a plan, i just don't always know what it is! but i trust Him. so i am trying to be patient and philosophical about it. i'm trying not to worry. i'm trying to pack up my emotions until monday. i'm trusting that if this is our house, He will protect it for us. i'm trusting that if this isn't our house, He will help me to let it go. i'm trusting that if someone else comes in with a higher offer, i can keep from second-guessing our decisions.

patience and trust. two virtues that are not natural to my personality.

yeah, i am not loving my life right now...

9/11

so today . . . is the ninth anniversary of a terrible tragedy that has forever changed our country.

usually i try to write about something that will make you laugh or smile or at least take your mind off more serious things. but today doesn't really seem like the appropriate time to do that.

i spent an hour today at my church. we provide a hot meal and showers to the people in our community who don't have regular access to either of those things. it is a new endeavor, and for now, we only have the resources to do it once a month. today it was my turn to share a few words with them. i did not talk about the tragedy that happened nine years ago. i would be kind of surprised if most of them even knew that today was the anniversary of that event. i suspect that when your life is not ruled by a job or electronics or tv shows, or when you don't have a wall on which to hang a calendar, you might tend to lose track of what the exact date is. instead, i talked about timeless truths--even though most of us are ruled by time.

i saw several posts online today in honor and support of those who lost loved ones on this day nine years ago. and it is right and good that we would continue to honor and support them. but today i was reminded of another group of people whose lives have been forever changed by the events of september 11, 2001...

my friend m'chel was at our church today too. she had come to sing a couple of songs before the dinner was served. today is m'chel's birthday. it has been her birthday for more than 30 years--long before those two towers collapsed. and yet, because of that event, her birthday will never be the same. when people find out her birth date, they often don't quite know how to respond. birthdays are supposed to be "happy." that's why we sing "happy birthday to yooouuuuu!" but for americans, it has become a day of sadness, and remembering great loss. will m'chel ever again be able to celebrate her special day with abandon? maybe, but maybe not. and what about all those couples who chose september 11th as the day they would promise to love and cherish each other for the rest of their lives? how do they spend the day celebrating their love with the backdrop of such terribleness all around them?

i would guess that we will see very few september 11th anniversaries in the coming years, but babies are another story. my "nephew" (the quotes are because i am not really sure of our familial relationship--he is the son of my cousin--but it doesn't really matter, because i think of him as my nephew,) and his wife just welcomed their first baby into their family. she was born on september 9th. they had no control over the day she arrived, but i have to admit that i was really glad she chose to join us on that day, rather than coming a couple of days later. her arrival was a happy, happy occasion. if she had been born on september 11, all of us who know her family would still have been happy. but in coming years, while she was blowing out her birthday candles to celebrate the beginning of her life, the rest of the country would probably still be focused on the tragic ending that took so many other lives.

how long will the sadness last? i don't know. when i was 5 or 6, my grandfather died. he had cancer, and we had lived with my grandparents for a while to help take care of him. he was a daily part of my life. but "in those days" if you had cancer, you eventually died. and he did. on thanksgiving day. and every year, for a long time after that, i would remember, "this is the day grandpa died." i still think about it sometimes, but i confess that there have been several thanksgiving days when we have eaten turkey and watched football and made shopping lists, and i haven't thought about him or his death. at all. does that mean i didn't love him? no. does it mean he wasn't an important part of my young life? no. it just means that time does heal the pain--but sometimes it takes a LOT of time.

as a nation, and as people, those of us who lived through it will never forget watching those airplanes crash into those towers. we will never forget the shock and horror we felt as we sat glued to our tvs. we will never forget the uncertainty of knowing who was actually in those buildings at that particular moment. we will never forget the bravery and endurance of the men and women who worked until they dropped, searching for possible survivors. we will never forget the search dogs who became so depressed, that workers had to let the dogs find "pretend survivors," so they could continue to do their jobs.

and we will never forget the families whose moms and dads, aunts and uncles, sons and daughters, nieces and nephews never came home from work that day.

but babies will continue to be born--some of them on september 11th. and while we will never forget the pain and loss of the past, i hope that we will also be able to embrace the hope of the future. because we haven't seen the end of the story just yet...

who is in charge here, anyway?!?

so today . . . i'm an idiot. sadly, this is not the first time . . .

this may come as a surprise to some of you, but i am not in charge of the world. sometimes i think i should be, but i'm not. stuff happens, the kaleidoscope shifts, and everything changes.

i hate it when that happens.

here is a blog i wrote a couple of years ago when we were going through some major changes in our family. it was originally posted on myspace on may 26, 2008.

apparently there are a few of you who notice when i go for a while without blogging! i appreciate that-i didn't know you cared here's the thing--sometimes life throws unexpected circumstances into your life, and suddenly it seems as though everything has changed. sometimes that change is for the better and sometimes it is not, but regardless of how you feel about it, adjustments have to be made. there are times when these changes happen as a result of choices we have made, but there are other times when it is a result of the choices of others. as i've considered this, i've decided it doesn't really matter who bears the responsibility for the circumstances--they are what they are and we must adjust. i'm not saying that people shouldn't take responsibility for their own choices and how they have affected the people around them. i'm just saying that those choices have been made, the circumstances are what they are, and we have to deal with them. yes, there are times when it would be nice to have a time machine that would allow us to try again without having to live with the consequences of our actions, but that is only found in science fiction. we have to live with the consequences. we can't go back. things that have been said and done cannot be unsaid and undone--and so we have to figure out how to deal with today. i haven't been blogging lately because i have been busy dealing with some circumstances. it occupies my mind much of the time, so i'm not thinking about other more entertaining things. i'm sure as these new circumstances become more normal, my brain will go off on its odd little tangents again. in fact, just today i was thinking about fish tacos . . .

unexpected circumstances can be complicated. today it was pointed out to me that i always look on the dark side. i don't think of myself that way, so it was shocking to hear, but sadly i think it might be true. i always expect the worst, and that affects my reactions--i make decisions based on the worst case scenarios rather than looking ahead to wonderful possibilities.

today, that almost destroyed a relationship that is important to me. i was reacting based on what i thought other people would think, rather than looking for the good in the situation. the good was definitely there, i just chose to look instead at the impending doom of public opinion--or rather, what i thought public opinion might be. i was an idiot, and i was headed back to my black hole to set up residence.

and then, inexplicably the light started to go on. i began to realize that the serenity prayer is true, and that my problem was, i didn't know the difference between the things i could change and the things i couldn't. or shouldn't. and that the relationships with the people in my life are so much more important than public opinion--because really, public opinion never has all the facts anyway!

i turned away from the black hole and made a decision to try to be more positive. that's really why i started this blog--i wanted to shift my perspective from the mundane stuff i deal with every day to things that were funny. but lately it's been a struggle.

the truth is, my life is good, and it is time that i smack myself up 'side the head and remember that! i have a husband who loves me and thinks i am amazing (i was going to make a snarky comment about myself here, but that wouldn't fit in very well with my being more positive, now would it . . . ) i have an awesome daughter who is smart, funny, talented, strong, and unafraid (i wish i was more like her sometimes.) and two goofy dogs.

my life will never be perfect--i know that. it will just be what it will be. as much as i would like to be, i am NOT in charge of the world. my control is limited, which is probably a good thing. we are all just doing the best we can here, trying to make good choices as we take the next step in our lives. it is hard enough to figure it out, without worrying about what people will think. people will think what people will think. i can't change that. and i don't need the added stress of trying to make everyone think i am perfect . . .

. . . because if you have read very many of my blogs, you already know that i'm not.