who is in charge here, anyway?!?

so today . . . i'm an idiot. sadly, this is not the first time . . .

this may come as a surprise to some of you, but i am not in charge of the world. sometimes i think i should be, but i'm not. stuff happens, the kaleidoscope shifts, and everything changes.

i hate it when that happens.

here is a blog i wrote a couple of years ago when we were going through some major changes in our family. it was originally posted on myspace on may 26, 2008.

apparently there are a few of you who notice when i go for a while without blogging! i appreciate that-i didn't know you cared here's the thing--sometimes life throws unexpected circumstances into your life, and suddenly it seems as though everything has changed. sometimes that change is for the better and sometimes it is not, but regardless of how you feel about it, adjustments have to be made. there are times when these changes happen as a result of choices we have made, but there are other times when it is a result of the choices of others. as i've considered this, i've decided it doesn't really matter who bears the responsibility for the circumstances--they are what they are and we must adjust. i'm not saying that people shouldn't take responsibility for their own choices and how they have affected the people around them. i'm just saying that those choices have been made, the circumstances are what they are, and we have to deal with them. yes, there are times when it would be nice to have a time machine that would allow us to try again without having to live with the consequences of our actions, but that is only found in science fiction. we have to live with the consequences. we can't go back. things that have been said and done cannot be unsaid and undone--and so we have to figure out how to deal with today. i haven't been blogging lately because i have been busy dealing with some circumstances. it occupies my mind much of the time, so i'm not thinking about other more entertaining things. i'm sure as these new circumstances become more normal, my brain will go off on its odd little tangents again. in fact, just today i was thinking about fish tacos . . .

unexpected circumstances can be complicated. today it was pointed out to me that i always look on the dark side. i don't think of myself that way, so it was shocking to hear, but sadly i think it might be true. i always expect the worst, and that affects my reactions--i make decisions based on the worst case scenarios rather than looking ahead to wonderful possibilities.

today, that almost destroyed a relationship that is important to me. i was reacting based on what i thought other people would think, rather than looking for the good in the situation. the good was definitely there, i just chose to look instead at the impending doom of public opinion--or rather, what i thought public opinion might be. i was an idiot, and i was headed back to my black hole to set up residence.

and then, inexplicably the light started to go on. i began to realize that the serenity prayer is true, and that my problem was, i didn't know the difference between the things i could change and the things i couldn't. or shouldn't. and that the relationships with the people in my life are so much more important than public opinion--because really, public opinion never has all the facts anyway!

i turned away from the black hole and made a decision to try to be more positive. that's really why i started this blog--i wanted to shift my perspective from the mundane stuff i deal with every day to things that were funny. but lately it's been a struggle.

the truth is, my life is good, and it is time that i smack myself up 'side the head and remember that! i have a husband who loves me and thinks i am amazing (i was going to make a snarky comment about myself here, but that wouldn't fit in very well with my being more positive, now would it . . . ) i have an awesome daughter who is smart, funny, talented, strong, and unafraid (i wish i was more like her sometimes.) and two goofy dogs.

my life will never be perfect--i know that. it will just be what it will be. as much as i would like to be, i am NOT in charge of the world. my control is limited, which is probably a good thing. we are all just doing the best we can here, trying to make good choices as we take the next step in our lives. it is hard enough to figure it out, without worrying about what people will think. people will think what people will think. i can't change that. and i don't need the added stress of trying to make everyone think i am perfect . . .

. . . because if you have read very many of my blogs, you already know that i'm not.