Thursday, August 19, 2010

i'm not stealing--i'm sharing...

so today . . . i finally underwent the dreaded annual procedure. i got the warm blanket and the lovely sedative. i spent the rest of the day sleeping, waking only momentarily to get a little food inside my hungry body. i am beginning to feel like myself again...

i was going to write about the whole horrifying experience that leads up to the procedure, but instead i am going to do something i've never done before and probably will never do again.

i'm going to steal someone else's story and post it here.

i'm doing this for a couple of reasons. first, i'm still a little fuzzy-brained--i just don't have the brain power to write a whole blog. second, it looks to me like this particular blog, written by pulitzer prize winning author dave berry, has been copied and printed on almost every blog on the internet--except for mine--so by reprinting it on my blog, i'll be running with the big dogs. and third, his description of the experience is just perfect. there is no improving on it.

so here it is--my first (and hopefully last) pirated blog.

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

my experience is not exactly the same as mr. berry's. while i have never used moviprep, i have used similar products. my body does not like them and simply refuses to keep them down. so, i spend two days before my procedure drinking clear liquids and trying alternative methods of preparing my colon for it's photo shoot--none of which work very well, which causes me a lot of anxiety. but it is a necessary evil, so i keep thinking about the warm blankets and sedatives that are in my future if i just persevere...

and i am glad to say i got through it. the procedure itself was a piece of cake. i got pictures of my colon to bring home. (you can thank me later for not posting them.) i had a lovely nurse before the procedure, (who was very good with an iv needle,) and attila the hun after it was over. he would not leave me alone! every five minutes he tried to wake me up, and all i wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep...

so i'm good for another year. i hope!


Carroll said...

So glad that's over for another year! I've read the story you "pirated." They read it at District Women's Retreat and it took forever to finish because of the hilarity! Too funny if it's not you or me involved. Love you!

mom said...

I remember reading this a long time ago. Always good to refresh the mind. Glad it's over for you for another year....

Light said...

really you have to get one every year!! oh how I don't want to get old!

glad it went well and hopefully like Mr. didn't remember a thing!

Al said...

love dave barry.. whats his blog site? jk. i have a few of his books.

Jewelielyn said...

al--he doesn't write a blog. he is a pulizer prize winning columnist! he gets paid big bucks to write a column 2 or 3 times a week!! (yes, i am a little bit jealous...)
light--i have to have one every year now because of a medical condition i have had since i was in my late 20s. but don't worry--it's true. you don't remember a thing! and by the time you have to have one, they will have probably improved the prep :)