so today . . . i had an epiphany about prepping for a colonoscopy...
(i'll bet those are words you never imagined would be strung together in a sentence!)
since my failed attempt at colon prepping a few weeks ago, i knew i was going to have to do it again. it is a precautionary annual procedure that is necessary because, as i have mentioned, my colon hates me...
but my gastrointestinal doctor loves me! so she has forced her whole team to come in an hour early on thursday just so i don't have to wait several months for a new appointment. wasn't that nice?!?!?!? (that was sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that!)
i knew it was coming, but i was sort of living in denial--until tonight. tonight i realized that i was going to have to start the prep tomorrow. this means two full days without food. TWO DAYS!! and then i have to ingest chemicals whose sole purpose is to, shall we say, quickly eliminate any unnecessary substances lurking in my intestinal system. yeah, you know what i mean...
but i hadn't purchased the necessary substances yet. so off i went to wal-mart, my drug store of choice.
(this reminds me of when diandra was about four years old. that commercial with the frying egg was popular. you know the one--"this is your brain. this is your brain on drugs" sizzle, sizzle... diandra had seen the commercial and asked what drugs were, so we had explained it. we thought. until the day my grandma was babysitting her. they were making some sort of craft and needed some supplies. payless was just down the road. they got in the car to go, and diandra asked where they were going. my grandma innocently said, "to the drug store." diandra's little eyes got big, and she said in a loud voice, "but grandma! drugs are bad!")
:) ok, back to my story...
i entered the store and headed straight to the pharmacy. i picked up a box of ducolax and two bottles of magnesium citrate. and as i was standing there with this armful chemicals designed to aid in the elimination of anything ingested, i had my epiphany--i could eat anything i wanted tonight, because tomorrow it would all just go swooshing out of my body! it wouldn't matter if i ate vegetables or chocolate cake tonight--it was all going out!
so i did the only thing i could do. i got a bag of chewy chips ahoy cookies.
i started to the cash registers to pay, when i realized what i was buying--an armload of laxatives and a bag of cookies. i could just imagine the looks i was going to get from some cashier. i am small and lightweight, and here i was ready to leave wal-mart looking like i was headed home to binge and purge. so i stopped. i turned around. i made my way to the self-checkout lines. at least there, there would be no cashier to call the diet police.
i scanned my items and bagged them. i pulled out my debit card and swiped it. i entered my pin number. and then these words appeared on the screen: please wait for a cashier to assist you.
are you kidding me?!?!?! here i am doing my best to fly under the radar with my suspicious purchases, and the self-check out line decides i need assistance?!?!? somehow this machine knows that i shouldn't be buying cookies and all these laxatives?!?!?! how is that possible???
i looked around for the lucky employee who was going to "assist" me. i started preparing my explanation. surely she would believe me. surely she wouldn't take one look at my scrawny frame and think, "this girl needs an intervention," and take away my cookies...
(you notice that i was worried about the cookies being taken away, not the laxatives.)
thankfully she was apparently counting down the minutes until she could go home, because she quickly counted the four items in my bag, handed me my receipt, and said to have a good day.
clearly she doesn't know what is in store for me.
as i drove home, i started thinking about what i wanted for dinner. this new freedom to eat whatever i wanted without regard for it's healthiness opened up so many possibilities. i knew that dinner tonight would be my last meal until thursday afternoon, and now i could eat anything!! where to go... what to order... i was nearly paralyzed with choices. then i saw the jack-in-the-box sign, and knew i could find something totally unhealthy to eat there. because that was now my goal!
i looked at the menu with new eyes. calories and content of the food was not an issue. i could choose anything off the menu and eat it without thinking about it's glycemic index. taste became my only consideration. so again, i did the only thing i could do--i ordered deep-fried potato wedges with melted cheddar and bacon on top and ranch dressing to dip them in.
oh, and cheesecake.
i guess maybe there are some advantages to this ghastly annual procedure. it has just taken me a while to figure it out...