the power of suggestion strikes again...

so today . . .  i cannot blog.

i cannot blog today, but not for the usual reasons.  usually when i say i cannot blog, it is because i am too tired, or nothing blog-worthy happened, or my brain has left the building.  but none of those reasons are the reason i cannot blog today... (well, except that really nothing blog-worthy happened, but i could probably come up with something if i gave it some thought.)  the problem today is that i need to do report cards and homework letters for school tomorrow, and it is already almost 10:00!

why, you may ask, didn't i get started earlier?  well, i have my reasons!

first of all, i didn't sleep very well last night.  and it is all my doctor's fault! 

i had to go to the doctor yesterday for a follow up visit to my "annual procedure."  she is not happy with the mediocre results we are getting with my current medications, so she wants to make some changes in a few weeks.  in order to make the best decision, she started asking me some questions about how my current medications are affecting me.  "are you irritable?" she asked.  "i don't think so," i replied.  "i mean, my husband hasn't looked at me like i was a crazy person and asked what the heck was wrong with me!  so no, i don't think i am irritable."  "ok," she said, "what about sleeping?  are you sleeping ok?"  "yes," i said, "i sleep really good!  sometimes i wake up in the night, but i usually go right back to sleep.  but sometimes i go to bed really late." (i didn't tell her it was because i blog!) "so maybe i don't get enough sleep, but not because i CAN'T sleep."  "ok," she said, "i'm asking because one of your medications tends to ramp most people up."

what?!?!  one of my medications tends to ramp most people up?  where is my ramping up???  this is a side effect i could use!  it seems like i am always tired (probably because i hardly have any iron in my blood, but that is another story...) i think that if i have to take this medication, it is only fair that i get the good side effects...

now i am irritable.

but my doctor said adequate sleep is important to managing my medical issues.  so last night i went to bed early.  before 9:00!   and laid there, not sleeping.  i didn't get to sleep until after 11:00, and then i woke up every couple of hours!  all. night. long.  this has never happened to me before.  i am usually a good sleeper.  i stay up until i am tired, and then i fall asleep quickly and am dead to the world until i start smacking the snooze button on my alarm at 7:00 in the morning.

in fact once, our security system went off in the middle of the night.  rollie immediately leaped out of bed, grabbed a weapon and went to investigate.  diandra jumped out of bed and peeked out into the hall to see what was happening.  the dogs barked, and mia jumped off the bed and on the bed and off the bed and on the bed.  i was aware that the alarm had gone off, but i just rolled over and continued to sleep.  i only know what happened, because rollie told me the next morning... along with little comments like, "if i wasn't home, and that was a real burglar breaking in to the house, you would be dead!  you have to pay attention to the alarm!"  i sort of think that if i was alone and a real burglar was breaking into the house, my best defense would be to stay asleep and hope he would just take the valuables and run...

but i digress.

my point is that i slept perfectly fine until my doctor put the notion in my head that maybe i shouldn't be sleeping perfectly fine.  and so last night i didn't sleep perfectly fine, which meant that i was tired today.  so when i came home from school, i took a little nap... just to get me through the evening.  because it is thursday, and rollie teaches a class on thursdays, and usually we go out to eat before his class. and i had some errands to run after that, so i didn't get home until almost 8:00. and then it was time to farm with my dad on facebook.  and then, milo started bugging me to hold him...

which would have been fine if he would have let me hold him.  but he didn't want to lay in my lap, he wanted me to hold him in my arms.  but he kept shifting around.  he just couldn't get comfortable.  he will lay in rollie's lap and let rollie hold him for hours, but when i hold him, he wants to actually be held.  in my arms.  and he is a bit chubby, so my arms get tired pretty quickly.  

finally rollie came home from his class.  "oh good!  you are home!!"  i exclaimed.  "why?  what's the matter?" he asked.  "milo is demanding to be held, and i have stuff to do!  maybe he doesn't feel good..."  "he is probably just ready to go to bed.  usually we are in bed by now, and he seems to know when it is time."

ah yes... milo doesn't have any trouble sleeping at all!  of course, maybe that is because he lays his chubby little body on the most comfortable spot on the bed... my pillow!  

for some reason he has recently decided that he has every bit as much right to lay his little furry head (or whole body,) on my pillow as i have.  and usually he gets away with it.  because usually i am asleep!  of course, if last night is any indication, that may soon all change...

and so, here i am at 10:45, "not blogging" because it is late, and i have school work to do.  i don't think i am going to be asleep by 11:00 tonight either...  and getting all the school work done before morning is starting to look less and less likely to happen...

... unless, of course, some "ramping up" starts to occur...

thank goodness my car is not powered by diet lemonade...

so today . . .  i decided to quit complaining about the high price of gas... at least until the high price of diet lemonade from chick fil a goes down...

i've stopped drinking soda.  really.  it has been three or four weeks since a diet coke has passed my lips.  you know it has been a goal of mine to be soda free, and yet, i never last more than a few days before the siren song of that bubbly, caffeinated, sugary deliciousness called diet coke (or pepsi one or diet lemon cokesi) lures me right back in.  i couldn't help it.  i was probably slightly addicted... slightly...

and then a few weeks ago, i had lunch with diandra at chick fil a.  i ordered my usual kid's meal with a diet coke, but diandra ordered a diet lemonade (sweetened with splenda, mom, so don't worry.)  i looked at her quizically and she explained to me that she was trying to eat more healthfully and that included eliminating soda from her diet.

ok.  fine.  whatever.  (don't you hate it when your kids make better choices than you do...) we ate lunch and i enjoyed my diet coke and didn't give it another thought...

...until the next day when i was back at chick fil a for lunch.  (i eat lunch out a lot now.  this is new for me, since my lunch break was increased from half an hour to an hour this year.  now i have time to actually get out of the building, breathe some fresh air, and eat food i didn't have to prepare.  but i am somewhat limited in my choices, because an hour isn't as long as you might think it is--especially when you have to punch a time clock.  so i have to stay pretty close to work, which means chick fil a, jack in the box, subway, or mcdonald's.  chick fil a usually wins...)  so there i was, at the counter placing my order, and i found myself ordering a diet lemonade.  diandra had given me a taste of hers the day before, and it was really good.  so there i was, choosing lemonade over soda...

i'm pretty sure the earth stood still for a minute.

i ate my lunch, refilled my lemonade and headed back to work.  and then a funny thing happened.  over the next few days, i found myself choosing iced tea or diet lemonade over coke or pepsi.  and before i realized it,  i had gone for five days without any soda!  maybe i could really do it.  maybe i didn't need to have that sweet, fizzy, caffeine fix every day.  maybe i wouldn't die without it...

but if i was going to really stay away from sodas, i was going to have to find some alternatives.  and what i learned, over the last few weeks, is that not all un-carbonated beverages are created equally.  the iced tea at subway is sweetened with honey and tastes kind of yukky.  jack in the box has unsweetened iced tea (yay!) but they only make one batch a day, so if you go there for dinner, you are probably out of luck.  subway does have bottled flavored iced tea drinks, but they cost the same as a fountain drink and you can't refill them!  their fountain does have minute maid lite lemonade though, which is ok...

but the best beverage by far (if one is not going to drink diet lemon cokesi) is the diet lemonade at chick fil a!  i give it all the credit for helping me to stay soda-free.  it is what started me on the road to recovery, and it is what keeps me there.  the problem is, chick fil a is a little farther from my house than 7-11 (which, btw is probably going bankrupt now that i am not stopping there every morning for a giant diet lemon cokesi.)  and so today i had a brilliant idea!  i was going to see if it was possible to buy chick fil a's diet lemonade by the gallon!

i tossed this idea out to ms. jessica while we were on the playground.  ms. jessica loves chick fil a nearly as much as i do.  "so," i said to her, "do you think it is possible to buy the diet lemonade at chick fil a by the gallon?"  "yes," she said, "i know you can buy their sweetened tea by the gallon.  i think it is about $5."

ok.  five dollars for a gallon of lemonade.  that's not bad.  it would probably last me for four or five days, and it would keep me from drinking soda, and did  mention how delicious it is???  i was glad i could buy it by the gallon and have it at home and at school and in my car... i was pretty excited about it and already figuring out how much i was going to need every week...

and then i looked at my gas gauge.  i didn't immediately need gas (thank goodness) but it did make me think about how much i pay for gas.  a couple of weeks ago when i filled my tank, gas was about $4.29 a gallon!  four dollars and twenty nine cents a gallon!!!  it's crazy! and yet every couple of weeks i put ten gallons of the stuff in my car.  and complain about it (to myself, because it seems as though i am almost always by myself in my car, so there is never anyone there to listen to me rant and rave about the ridiculous price of gas!) 

and then suddenly it hit me.  i didn't mind paying $5 a gallon for lemonade (which i was just going to drink, and then, you know...) in fact, i was excited about it!  but i continued to complain about the price of gas, (which powers my car and takes me wherever i need to go!)  the gas is useful and necessary.  the lemonade is neither.  and yet i couldn't wait to get to chick fil a and buy myself a gallon of lemonade...

i'll admit i am not the most practical or consistant person on the planet.

but let's not lose sight of the good news!  the good news is, i've stopped drinking soda!!  and so, if it costs me $5 a gallon for lemonade, that's ok.  it is a good trade.  i'll just make a sandwich one day a week to offset the cost of it.  it will be worth it...

... or at least, it would have been worth it at $5 a gallon.  but when i got up to the counter at chick fil a to place my order, i discovered that the diet lemonade was not $5 a gallon.  it was $10.73 a gallon.

yeah, the price of gas is looking better and better...

the camera doesn't lie... or does it...

so today . . . i am on diandra's blog...

i have mixed feelings about this.  i have come to the conclusion that i am not photogenic, so being featured on a photography blog makes me a little uneasy.  however, the photography blog belongs to my daughter, who thinks i am "cute."  i think she is blinded by love.  but, whatever, there i am...

i don't think the pictures are horrible.  the dress was beautiful, the light was gorgeous, the shoes were unexpected--yet sparkly!  and the photographer was amazing!  the problem was my hair...

...my hair.  the bane of my existence.  my hair has always been an issue for me.  until a few years ago, i was never happy with how it looked.  i tried it long and straight.  i tried it short and curly.  i tried it short and straight, and long and curly.  when it was straight, my ears would stick out.  to get it curly, i had to perm it.  my life has been a constant battle with my hair.  until a few years ago...

a few years ago, my hair got long--longer than it had ever been before.  i didn't plan it that way, i just neglected to go in and have it cut.  for months!  and as it got longer, rollie and diandra really liked it.  even now, when i talk about cutting it short again, they both say, "NOOOOOO!"  of course, they have both seen me with short hair--they know it is not going to be good.  i always have great hope that this time will be different.  this time the short hair cut will look good.  but it never does.

but long hair has it's own issues.  like when do i get it cut?  i just tend to sort of ignore it until one day i decide it is driving me crazy and must be cut immediately!  (these are the days when it is good that i live in a big city and can just walk into super cuts and get my hair cut.  diandra is horrified that i trust my hair to super cuts, but then, she has the patience to wait for an appointment at a better salon.  i do not.  and if i can't get in somewhere for a haircut immediately, i have been known to do it myself...  usually that is not the best decsion.  usually.)  and so, there are days when i walk around with witchy hair... those in between days when it is really too long, but i haven't noticed it yet.

this was the sort of day when we decided to take pictures in my wedding dress.  a witchy hair day.

sadly, i did not know it was a witchy hair day.  i was too focused on diandra's upcoming wedding and the fact that it was only a few days away, and i had said i was going to make her a bolero-type jacket out of my wedding dress for her to wear with her wedding dress.  we had been planning this for several months, so it isn't like i just suddenly had this great idea at the last minute.  and yet, there we were, at the last minute.  but i wanted to take photos first, and between my schedule and diandra's schedule, and the weather (winter, you know,) we hadn't been able to make it happen...

... until just a few days before her wedding.  i suddenly realized that if i didn't get started on making the jacket immediately, i would not have time to finish it before the wedding.  so when i got home from school, i threw the dress on, we walked down to the park, and took some pictures.

it was a beautiful day.  the light was warm and golden.  i loved wearing my dress, realizing that this would be the last time i would wear it...  and then, there i was, looking into the camera without a clue as to what to do next.  diandra tried to help me.  she put me different places and gave me ideas of what to do with myself, but i just felt awkward.  i sooo wanted the pictures to be beautiful and perfect, but people were looking at me (ok, there were only a couple of dog walkers, but they LOOKED at me, like "what the heck is she doing?!?!)  and the wind was blowing.  hard.  my hair kept blowing in my face.  but diandra just kept snapping pictures...

and then we went home, and i cut up my dress.  diandra showed me the pictures she had taken, and to be honest, i was disappointed.  all i could see was my unruly hair.  why hadn't i taken a few minutes to curl it or straighten it or something?  why hadn't i planned ahead and at least had my bangs cut so you could see my face??  why hadn't i done something besides twirl around???

oh well...  it was too late to do anything about it.  my dress was in pieces, just waiting to be sewn into a jacket for diandra...  there were no "do overs."

i didn't give the photos much thought after that.  diandra got married.  we moved.  i went back to school in the fall...  and then last week i got a text from diandra.  "guess who is going to be on my blog this week?"  yep, it was me.  in my wedding dress.  with my witchy hair. 

i protested.  "mom, stop!" she said, "you look cute!"  as i said, she was blinded by love... and so, i waited for the blog with both dread and hope.  and waited.  and waited.  because although she had planned to post the blog last week, i got bumped.  to monday!  what a way to start the week...

this morning diandra sent me this text, "you are on my blog."  "AAACCCKKKKK!"  i replied.  "i guess i'd better go look."  and so i did.  and again, all i could see was my witchy hair.  i texted diandra, "i was right.  my hair was awful!  i wish we had taken a few more minutes to fix it better.  and my nose always looks so big in pictures.  does it look that big in person?  i did love the pictures that didn't have my face in them."

and then diandra texted me these words, "um... no.  you look happy and beautiful.  stop it."

well, you know, she is my daughter.  that is how i look through her filters.  i just hoped i wouldn't scare people away from visiting her blog again...

later in the day i went back and looked at the pictures a second time.  and i liked them a little better.  and then i looked at them again before i started blogging, and you know what?  i don't know about beautiful, but i do look happy.

in diandra's blog, she said i hated being in front of the camera.  that isn't completely true.  i like having my picture taken, because i am always hopeful that the results will be good.  but they rarely are, which is why i also hate having my picture taken.  i'm always worried about my bangs or my posture or that weird smile i get when i'm forced to hold a smile.  and i never think i look like myself.  i mean, i look at myself every day when i get ready for work, so i think i know what i look like.  but then i look at pictures of myself and they don't really look like me, or at least what i think i look like.  and so then i wonder, what do i really look like?

i take pictures all the time.  of diandra.  of rollie.  of the dogs.  they all look great in my pictures--probably because they are used to having their pictures taken.  i am not.  i am always the one taking the pictures, not the one getting my picture taken.  and so i think i am just not comfortable in front of the camera, and that's why i don't think i look like myself.  i look like a flat, two dimensional caricature of myself.  at least, that's what i think.

but i've also been thinking about diandra's words today.  it doesn't matter if i looked cute or beautiful.  cute and beautiful are just a matter of someone's opinion.  clearly!  what does matter is that i looked happy.  whether i like it or not, i looked like myself, on that day, witchy hair and all.  it was a beautiful day, i was out in the park with my darling daughter, and we were laughing.  i was happy.  even though my hair was trying to swallow my face...

so i think i'm going to stop avoiding the camera.  i think i'm going to step in front of it once in a while, even if i have to put my camera in someone else's hands and say, "take a picture of me."  i'm not going to worry about my bangs being perfect.  (well, that's a lie.  i will worry about my bangs until the day i die.  but if they aren't perfect, i'm going to try not to let it ruin my picture.)  diandra has said that she doesn't always take her good camera with her, because she finds that if she is focused on taking pictures, then she isn't really experiencing the moment.  i think that is probably true.  i think i haven't really been a part of a lot of moments, because i have been busy taking pictures.  but i need to have pictures to remind me of the fun times we have had...

i guess it comes down to this.  pictures document our moments.  and all of our moments aren't perfect, so neither are our pictures.  but perfection shouldn't be the goal!  the goal should be documenting a memory, imperfections and messy hair and all.  it doesn't matter if i look beautiful.  what matters is if i look happy.  or contemplative.  or tired.  or whatever the moment brings.

so thank you, diandra, for documenting my wedding dress's last day.  thank you for taking the time to take those pictures.  and blogging them.  thank you for making me laugh.  and thank you for reminding me today that although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder,  happiness can be seen by everyone.

(although, it could be seen more easily if i could remember to get my hair cut...)

plan? plan? what plan...

so today . . .  i have blogger's block.

my goal last week was to blog about diandra's wedding all week long.  there were so many gorgeous photos i wanted to share, but getting the photos onto the blog has proven to be an issue.  so my plan was to blog like a maniac this weekend and get caught up.  which was a great plan, except rollie was gone friday and saturday, which meant "project time" for me.

i thought i could do both.  i thought i could do projects during the day and then blog at night.  but that isn't exactly what happened...

... because what happened was that everything took waaaay longer than i thought it would.  of course.  it always does!

but i did attempt to blog.  in fact, i have SIX unfinished blogs in my draft folder.  (actually, i have 88 unfinished blogs in my draft folder, but only six from last week.  i should probably clean out my draft folder...)  i just can't seem to finish one!  my brain is just going in too many different directions to focus!

so.  here is my plan.  this is my blog for today (sad and pathetic as it is.)  and then i will try to do regular blogging next week.  but i will also work on finishing up last weeks blogs...

...because i can't just abandon them!  there are beautiful pictures to see, and computer glitches to complain about, and an inspiring event to share, and power tools and vacation plans and a trip to home depot...

yes, it was a busy week.  no wonder i couldn't focus long enough to finish even. one. blog.