Thursday, October 21, 2010

what evil lurks in the closet...

so today . . . my fake ugg boots are toast. they are done. they will no longer get to clothe my feet.

they tried to kill me.

i should have seen it coming. i don't think it was their first attempt. they have sort of been testing the waters of my limits for some time now, but today they gave it their last, best shot. damage was done, but sadly for them, i am still alive. and able to have the last word.

it all started a few years ago. i wanted ugg boots. they looked so cozy and warm, and even in california, my feet get cold. i went online to check it out, and decided ugg boots from australia were not going to be in my future. so i did the next best thing--i looked for something similar. i bought a pair of "bear paws." i put them on. they were so comfy and soft. and warm. i immediately loved them, and wore them often.

but as time went by, they got a little too comfortable with my feet. the furry lining squished flatter. the suede stretched. and soon i didn't so much walk in my boots, as schlump around in them. you know what i mean--i would pick up my feet to take a step, but since my foot was loose in the boot, the boot would sort of drag along. it drove me a little crazy, but the warm coziness still called to me, and i continued to wear them...

last winter i noticed that they were pretty loose. in fact, a few times the rubber sole caught on the carpet and tripped me--not enough that i fell, but just enough to make me stumble. i should have realized right then that they were starting to think about doing me in. i should have known it was only a matter of time until they made their move...

summer came, and i put the boots away until cooler weather returned. as the weeks progressed, two new pair of boots (compliments of diandra) joined the old ones. i think that is when they decided it was time. they must have been worried that they might no longer be my "go to" boots. i think they spent the rest of the summer plotting and planning and waiting for the perfect opportunity...

...which came today. this is the fourth or fifth cold, cloudy, "rainy," day we have had. i find myself slowing down a bit more with each non-sunny day. today i didn't even wear my regular school clothes--i threw on skinny jeans, my "bear paws" boots, and a sweater, and slouched off to work... i daydreamed my way through the morning until it was finally time for my break. i made a cup of peppermint tea (i know, that doesn't sound very invigorating--i probably should have had an extra-strength coffee drink!) and headed back to the play area. i walked down the hall, conscious of my boots dragging their heels with every step. i turned the corner and started up the stairs. i made it successfully up the first flight... and then the boots made their move.

on the second flight of steps, the rubberized toe of my boot grabbed onto a step which sent me flying forward. i felt it happening and tried desperately to stay upright. i had my travel cup of tea in my left hand, and my right hand? where was it?? well i can tell you where it was not! it was not holding onto the safety handrail like it should have been!

(every single day i tell my students "hold onto the hand railing! be safe! if you trip, you need to be holding onto the hand railing so you won't fall!" every day i say that. but do i practice what i preach? apparently not. at least not today.)

my body was somehow falling UP the stairs. i thought i was going to be ok. i tried to get my feet under me. i grabbed for the railing or the stairs, or anything that would steady me and keep me from hitting the ground. i thought i had made it. my brain said, "ok, you are going to be ok. you are going to regain your balance and not fall. you will be fine." but my brain spoke before my body was really under control. my brain is sometimes the most optimistic part of my body--although not always the most realistic part. because just about the time i thought i was going to land on my feet, one of my traitorous boots caught the edge of the top step and sent me flying once again. through the air. straight toward the glass doors leading outside...

i knew i was going to hit the glass door. i knew it. there was no way to avoid it. my body was traveling waaay faster than my feet (yes, the feet encased in the evil boots.) i knew i was going to hit that door and do a face plant onto the concrete outside.

and that is probably what would have happened, except for one thing. somehow, i managed to stop trying to use my hands to break my fall, and instead grabbed for the crash bar on the glass door. fortunately the door opened. unfortunately my body still ended up smacking the ground. my face hit the door, sending my glasses skittering across the pavement. my travel cup went flying, spreading streams of peppermint tea everywhere...

i lay there, half in the building, and half outside on the damp pavement, momentarily stunned. i was alone. i needed help, but i didn't know how to get it. there was a guy working outside who had apparently seen me come flying out the door. "are you ok?" he asked.

really?!?! he had to ask???? did i LOOK ok?? i was pretty sure i did not! but i said i was fine, because i was still conscious, and he moved on. i sat up. i didn't quite know what to do. no one had seen me, but i was pretty sure i must be bleeding somewhere! thankfully in the next few minutes help arrived...

the director had heard the crash from her office and came to see what was going on. my elbow was severely scraped up and my knee is going to have an awesome bruise on it. miraculously my face didn't smack into anything abrasive, it seems to have just sort of bounced off the glass door. my jeans and sweater were ok--no rips or tears (yes, i was worried about that--i was wearing my favorite jeans!) but i think my glasses are history...(i loved those glasses...)

most importantly--i didn't cry.

so the evil boots are no longer a part of my wardrobe. i treated them like family, and they tried to kill me. i am not going to give them another chance. they are dead to me. my feet may never be so warm and cozy again...

...however, i just turned on the tv, and in an amazing coincidence, shopping tv is selling similar boots today. and they are sparkly!!! i think the perfect revenge would be to replace the malicious boots with a brand, new, sequined pair.

if only i didn't have to buy new glasses...

stupid, evil boots.

3 comments:

Carroll said...

You have a way of turning a horrid situation into a hilarious read! I'm so sorry but thankful you didn't break a bone or get hurt much worse. I'm thinking that this morning you're feeling that fall. Take care. I'm concerned. And I too saw those boots you mentioned on HSN. I think you should go for it!
Love you!

mom said...

Great description of a fall!! Hope all is well. Maybe I should throw out my fuzzy boots. They clomp. Sure you are feeling the effects today and hope your glasses can be fixed. Doesn't that school have insurance?? Didn't see the boots on HSN but maybe you should buy the next ones a little small to begin with or maybe it will just warm up!! I hope...

Jewelielyn said...

actually, other than my knee and elbow, i feel ok today. i'm sure the school has insurance, but it was my own stupid fault. your boots might not be evil--i wouldn't worry--unless they try to trip you. it is supposed to warm up next week...