Saturday, November 14, 2009

medical wisdom from bonanza reruns?

so today . . . it was back to urgent care for me.

are you getting tired of hearing about me being sick yet?!? i am sure getting tired of blogging about it. the problem is, when i am sick nothing else matters. really. i am the man in the family when it comes to being sick--i whine, i lay around, i want food brought to me, i want sympathy, i want everyone to know how miserable i feel so don't expect anything from me--just like most men.

thankfully, i am not married to a man like that. as i have mentioned before, when rollie is sick, he just stays in bed or his recliner with the tv remote and is happy if i open the door and throw food in a couple of times a day.

but i have been coughing for almost eight weeks! i went to the doctor's office about a month ago and to urgent care a couple of weeks ago. i don't think they are taking me very seriously. i have a cough.

today was different. i went to urgent care, expecting to spend the day there, but they called my name before i could even open my book. when the doctor came in, i noticed he was asian. (i only mention that he was asian, because when you read his words, you are going to get a picture in your head, and i want it to be accurate.) so i filled him in on what had been done before. he stopped me and said, "ok, but this is the most important question--have you been sleeping with a fan or an open window or air conditioning?"

no! i've been sleeping in the recliner, so i don't spend the night coughing! it is true that it is still close to 80 degrees most days even though it is the middle of november, but i am wondering about the relevance here.

"because," he continued, "that will make you cough. why is it suddenly making you cough when it never has before? i don't know. am i God? can i control the weather? no."

what? now i am beginning to wonder about kaiser's hiring policies.

"you don't believe me? just turn your air conditioning on in your car when you go home and point it at your face and see what happens. you will cough."

ok, um, can we possibly talk about medical reasons that i might be coughing?

"let me listen to you breathe."

finally. i know when he listens to me breathe, he will hear my wheeze and maybe i will even cough for him so he can hear for himself how awful it is. he listens, and then goes back to the computer.

"ok, i don't know what it sounded like before, because i was not the doctor you saw before, but now it does not sound good. i think maybe you waited too long to come in."

WHAT?!?!? did he not hear the part where i said i had already been in twice???

"my part is to give you medicine that will help. your part is to stay warm. from your waist up, stay warm. eat warm, drink warm, dress warm. from the waist down, i don't care. you can be naked. i don't care."

honestly? oh boy. i think this doctor has had way too much coffee today. is he even thinking about what he is saying?

"if you want to keep coughing, just go home and eat ice cream. you will see. you will cough."

this is a pretty safe prediction, since i have ALREADY BEEN COUGHING FOR 8 WEEKS!!!

then he continues. "i see you are already making a mistake."

how can i be making a mistake? i'm just sitting here, listening to him tell me to STAY WARM!! but my curiosity gets the better of me and i say, "what?"

and he replies, "your chest is exposed."

i can tell you without hesitation that my chest is not exposed!!! i look down and realize that i am wearing a scoop neck top. that must be what he is talking about. thankfully i am wearing a long scarf, so i wrap it around my neck a few more times and arrange it so that it covers me up. sheesh!

"ok," he says, "i have sent your prescriptions directly to the pharmacy. that is my part."

yes, i know.

"your part is to stay warm from the waist up. eat warm, drink warm, dress warm. stay out of the cool air. take hot showers."

ok, i think i've got it. stay warm.

i went to the pharmacy and left with a bagful of medicine. so for all his crazy talk, at least he seems to have given me adequate drugs. if this doesn't work, i don't know what will.

and it had better work, because if i have to go back and hear about his father watching bonanza reruns in which all the sick people were bundled up ("they knew--stay warm,") or the benefits of having a temperature ("warmth kills the germs--so stay warm,") i may just risk being sick a bit longer . . .


Wendy said...

OMG! I laughed so hard when I read this! That man needs a reality check and someone to punch him! Seriously- I can not stop laughing! Oh my goodness!

Mom said...

Did you check to make sure you were in a medical clinic?? What a riot? Hope the medication helps.

Al said...

my job is to laugh my head off. thats my job. your job is to continue your great job blogging like this. you can do it naked from the waist down, i dont care.

oh. and maybe thats why this doctor works weekends. maybe you should try going in during the week day..

Jewelielyn said...

yes it is funny now. but when i was sitting there, i was pretty much speechless. and i assure you all, i blog fully clothed :)