so today . . . i am sad. i am missing all the fun of christmas.
i know what christmas is all about, and i never want to let myself get so caught up in the preparations that i lose sight of why we celebrate. but i do enjoy the preparations . . . the decorating, the shopping, the wrapping, the music, the lights. i love it all--even the baking (although i don't bake christmas goodies much anymore, because of all that sugar.) i love the whole process of getting ready to celebrate, and then stepping back and just enjoying it all. i love it so much, that it usually looks like christmas at my house until well into january!
this year it doesn't look like christmas at my house at all. i've been too sick to decorate, and circumstances have prevented rollie and diandra from doing it. i haven't been out and about to enjoy any of the hundreds of light displays that are within a few miles from my home. i haven't been able to go shopping and see the mall decorations and spend time looking for the perfect gifts. but that's ok. i've accepted that, because i've been sick. and anyway, i knew i would be spending a week at my mom and dad's house . . . and that's where christmas happens for me.
maybe it is because i am not responsible for making it happen there. when i go home for christmas, it still feels magical to me--even at my age. i still walk around the house, checking out what has changed. i scope out the refrigerator. i check the candy dishes. i surreptitiously look at the names on the big boxes and the little boxes under the tree. i look in the small dresser drawer in our room, because that's where my mom puts stuff that she has found that she thinks i might like to have. i know that their house will be wonderfully decorated, and it will smell good. my mom will have our favorite christmas treats to eat, and my dad will keep the fire going so it is warm and toasty, and we will get to see the rest of our families who live so far from us that we only get to see them at christmas. and it might even snow.
last year there was a huge snowstorm, and diandra and i had to go buy new warm coats and snow boots, because we didn't have any. and finding a really warm coat in southern california was no easy task! we finally ended up both buying exactly the same coat--we looked like the bobsey twins. (ok, maybe from a distance, when all you could see was the silhouette of our coats. but i didn't have a picture like that.) it was going to be soooo cold. and i knew that even getting back and forth to the car was going to be freezing!! and it was!
but now, i am afraid that i might not be well enough to make the trip, because i still feel sick. and the thought of packing and traveling for 17 hours is just more than my mind can deal with today. and yet, that is where i want to be next week.
i hate being sick.
i'm feeling a little sorry for myself. i know in my head that christmas isn't about all the decorating and shopping and traveling. and i also know in my head that whatever christmas turns out to be this year, it will be good because i will be with people i love. and i am very thankful for my family--both my little immediate family and my bigger extended family--that love me, even when i am sick and tired and whiney and unreasonable. i'm thankful for my mom, from whom i get my love for all things christmasy. i'm thankful for rollie and diandra, who are flexible and have embraced the seemingly odd holiday traditions we have forged. i'm thankful for that tiny baby who was born more than 2000 years ago, even though he sometimes gets lost in all the rushing about.
i'm not thankful that i am still sick. everyone says i need to take care of myself, and i'm trying to. people say i need to rest, and i've done that. some people say how can you even think of making that kind of a trip! you should stay home and get better!! and that may be true. all i know is, as the calendar nears december 25th, my heart starts heading up north.
the question this year is, will my body get to go along . . .