so today . . . i am crossing one more thing off of my "things i did that i vowed i would never do" list. this is the companion to the "things i will never, ever do, no matter what" list.
my list of "things i will never ever do, no matter what" is not a written list. i keep it in my head--that way it is easy to adjust it. because i am finding that as my life progresses, more and more things are moving from that list to the list of "things i did that i vowed i would never do."
like saying, "because i'm the mom, that's why!"
honestly, i don't remember my mom ever saying that--maybe she did (although if she did, i am sure it was not addressed to me--i was the perfect child!) but for some reason, i just decided it was something i would never, ever stoop to saying. if my child asked me a question, i would answer her. because of course, i would always have a reason for everything i did . . .
and then diandra started talking.
i don't know if it was because she was an only child or because of genetics or because we read to her all the time, but she had an analytical mind and an amazing vocabulary to go along with it. this resulted in conversations with lots of "but why" questions, which i always tried to answer completely until i would finally run out of answers. at which point i would hear myself saying, "because i'm the mom, that's why!"
or eating broccoli.
i used to be somewhat famous for my aversion to most vegetables. but for some reason i had a special dislike for broccoli. i'm not sure why. i don't remember ever eating it and thinking it tasted awful. it may have had something to do the with dreadful smell when broccoli is cooking, i don't know. but my friends knew that if anything green was passing between my lips, it was sure to be an m&m. and then came the day when we realized we were not getting any younger and should probably start thinking about trying to live longer instead of just assuming we would. so i learned to like broccoli, and now i eat it several times a week. i even order it instead of mashed potatoes when we eat at sizzler.
but today, i did something that i knew for certain i would never, ever do--not for any reason, not for any amount of money--i would die first! and yet, today it crossed over to the "i did it" list.
i rinsed my sinuses.
i've heard about the neti pots. i know there are people who swear by them. but not me. there was no way i was ever going to be running water up one nostril and down the other one. no. way.
but i've been sick. and the pulmonary doctor i saw yesterday thinks that maybe my pneumonia started out as sinusitis, which can be very difficult to get rid of. so she thinks this is a good idea. she thinks it will help. and as she is telling me about what she wants me to do, all i can think is "there is no way on earth that i am going to be able to do that!! even if i wanted to, which, by the way, i don't! water up my nose??? and then filling up my sinuses and coming back out?!?!? uh uh, no way!!!" i don't even like to put my head under the water--i'm pretty sure that is why i can't swim. i didn't even take showers until i went to college--it was baths for me. you don't get water in your nose when you take a bath!
i'm pretty sure if i try this, i will drown. seriously. in fact, rollie and i had a discussion about it when the doctor left the room. i kept saying, "but if i block the back of my throat so the water doesn't get into my mouth, then i can't breathe!" and he kept saying, "of course you can." and i kept saying, "no, i can't! watch." and then i would pinch my nose shut, block my throat with my tongue and try to breathe. which of course i couldn't. he just rolled his eyes, but i knew this was going to kill me.
rollie picked up the kit from the pharmacy, along with the newer, stronger antibiotics. (which btw, are ENORMOUS! i have to cut them in half and they are still hard to swallow!) i read the directions to the sinus rinsing stuff on the way home, and acted like i was going to do it, but i wasn't. when we got home, i put it on the kitchen counter (which is beginning to look like a drug store,) and decided i should wait a while before i tried it--knowing i was not going to do it, but pretending i was . . .
time passed. rollie went to bed. i got tired. i wanted to go to sleep, but i couldn't until i rinsed my sinuses. so i just stayed up. finally i knew i had to do it. but i didn't want to. i knew at the very least i was going to gag and snort and cough and be miserable. and at the very worst, i might drown. but what would i say when the doctor asked me about it? i thought about lying, but she is a doctor. she would know.
so i prepared the solution. i got a box of tissues. i headed to the bathroom sink, hearing a funeral dirge playing in my head. and then i did it.
and it wasn't fun. water went in one side and out the other. it felt like it does when i breathe in when my head is underwater (which never happens anymore, because i have pretty much given up on swimming. but the memories are strong!!) and yet, i didn't gag or choke or drown. so i guess i am going to live.
there's still a lot of stuff on my "things i will never, ever do, no matter what" list. but after this experience, i'm kind of afraid to think about what might move to the "things i did that i vowed i would never do" list next.
i sure hope it isn't bungee jumping . . .