"wait, are my bangs ok?"

so today . . . i realized if i die, my possible future grandchildren will not know what i looked like.

all i wanted to do was post a new profile picture on facebook. that didn't seem like such an insurmountable task--but it was.

i started going through my photo files and found that there are very few pictures of me. i suppose it is because usually i am the one taking the pictures, so i am not in them. and when we are out doing stuff, rollie and diandra don't seem to think of taking my picture--they are just enjoying whatever we are out doing. so i feel sort of self-absorbed handing them my camera and saying, "here, take a picture of me."

i have tons of photos of diandra--of course, she is my precious, darling daughter who never, ever takes a bad picture, which means i have to keep them all! i have lots of pictures of diandra and rollie together--because when the two of them get together, they do goofy, funny, crazy photo-worthy stuff. i have some pictures of just rollie--but he gets tired of hearing me say, "stand there. just a minute. shoot! oh wait, do it again. let me take one more. now move just a step to the right . . ." and then there are those lovely self-portraits taken at arm's length with one or the other of them, where they look fine and i look weird. because sadly, my arms aren't long enough to take my own picture.

several months ago, i went with diandra to santa barbara for a photo shoot. we got there really early and it was a beautiful day, so we decided she should take some pictures of me--that way she could scout locations and play with her camera settings before she met up with her bride and groom. and i might finally have some photos of myself that i would love!

diandra is an awesome photographer, so the pictures came out pretty good--considering i was in them! but i couldn't wear my glasses since they were tinted, so i think i look all squinty-eyed. and i had dressed for comfort, not photos, so i wasn't all that happy with my wardrobe choices (except for my boots--they rocked!) and my bangs wouldn't stay in place--the wind kept blowing them and exposing my forehead!

and there is part of the problem . . .

i don't think i am very photogenic. i see all the flaws--not the least of which is always my bangs, which refuse to lay properly! several years ago, someone took a picture of diandra and me on a whale watching trip. obviously, we were on a boat in the ocean. and it is a cute picture--except the wind is blowing my bangs off my forehead. but i really liked the picture. so we decided to photoshop bangs onto my forehead--you know, technology can fix anything, right? so we tried. but photoshop was not all that sophisticated then, and diandra wasn't into photography yet . . . and the result was less than satisfying. in fact, it was kind of scary! it looked like some brown, furry tentacle was taking over my forehead!

we did not save the edited version.

but i need profile pics for facebook. i refuse to be a "ghost person." and i get tired of looking at the same picture all the time. so what to do, what to do . . .

according to facebook, i can take a picture with my webcam to use. but have you seen webcam photos?!? they are frightening! they make a person look like a criminal holed up in a basement somewhere, looking for recruits on the internet.

(and sometimes i think maybe i am suited for a life of crime. there aren't very many pictures of me. i know how to create a new identity. my brain thinks in larcenous ways--it's all those mystery books i read--and i hardly ever get stopped for traffic violations . . . )

i find that my best pictures seem to be those that are taken from far away--which makes it hard to see my face. which is maybe why i like them! or the ones taken with diandra, because her "shine" sort of reflects onto me. which helps. or the ones taken with rollie, because his eyes are always smiling. which is why i fell in love with him.

i don't know. maybe it isn't that important. maybe photographs will never show who i really am--because it is hard to be myself in front of a camera. so maybe i just need to give it up. maybe i won't even have possible future grandchildren, so it won't matter. maybe i just need to go do fun things and leave my camera at home . . .

i'm sure my facebook friends won't mind if my profile picture is a mug shot from my possible future life of crime . . .