happy valentine's day

so today . . . i am having one of those difficult blogging days. i know what i want to say, but i keep going off on tangents and getting bogged down in trivia. so i am going to start again, for the fourth time, and try to simplify. (i know, i know . . . you are all thinking, "well, that will be a first!")

today is valentine's day--a day set aside to make sure we tell the people in our lives that we love them.

this is not something i am really good at. for someone who can take 20 minutes to recount an incident that actually took only ten, you would think i would be prolific at expressing my feelings. but i'm not. some words are just hard for me to say out loud. like "i love you." i'm not one of those gooey, emotional women. i'm a thinker. i'm rational. i'm logical--well usually.

so today rollie and i went to lunch and then to a movie. since we were really early for the movie, we sat outside in the lovely sunshine, drinking our sodas, waiting to go in. and then he looked at me and said, "i love you!"

well, it is valentine's day after all!

for most people the correct response here would be, "i love you, too!" but is that what i said? no. because i had already said it several times today. sheesh!

so i said, "do you realize you have said that to me about eight times today?" and he got this confused look on his face and said, "well, i only say it when i think about it."

oh gosh. i am an idiot.

the truth is, he does tell me he loves me a lot. and usually i respond appropriately. but sometimes my response is almost automatic--i don't even think about it. and maybe that is ok. maybe i shouldn't have to think about it. but it has kind of been bothering me, that i just say "i love you" without thinking about it--not really in a conscious way. but apparently today it became conscious.

those are important words. i don't ever want them to lose their meaning. i don't want to say "i love you, too" just out of habit, or because it is the expected response. i don't want them to become the words we use to fill the silence or to get our way. the problem is, rollie says them to me all. the. time! and i have to respond! i mean, what else am i going to say?!? i have to fill the otherwise awkward silence with something . . .

we went in and watched the movie. it was a cute movie. but predictably, in the end the girl went off with the new and exciting guy who she thought loved her--not the stable, reliable guy at home who said he loved her. she was an idiot.

ok, well maybe not, according to the plot of the movie . . . but my life isn't a movie. it is real. i have been blessed with a stable, reliable husband, who is also funny and generous and loves me--so much that he has to say it several times a day, but "only when he thinks about it." he is not just saying words--he is telling me that he is glad we are together, that he thinks i am wonderful, and smart, and beautiful (ok, you don't have to agree with him--but he is entitled to his opinion, don't you think?) he is letting me know that even after all these years he still chooses me.

and i kicked sand in his face. i am an idiot.

so i am taking this opportunity to say, "rollie, i love you too. and on this day that celebrates love, i want you to know that. because i am not always good at communicating it to you. but i do, you know, always and forever. until one of us is a diamond" ;)