double, double, toil, and trouble . . .

so today . . . i spent most of the day working on cleaning out the scary room with all the stuff. and now i feel cranky.

you guys don't want to hear about my day--seriously. it mostly consisted of hauling stuff out and sorting it and deciding what to do with it. i kept hoping i would find SOMETHING, some treasure, that i had been looking for but thought i had lost. i can't think of anything that falls into that category right now, and yet i am sure i would have known it if i had seen it. but i didn't. so i am cranky.

i need rewards. i wish i was enough of a grown-up to say that i just do stuff because it needs to be done, or because it will help someone else, or because i will get some satisfaction out of a job well done, but it would be a lie. i need a prize, a treasure, a reward.

i'm not sure why this is. my parents didn't pay me for my good grades (which is too bad, because except for the "C" i got in p.e. in the sixth grade--don't ask--i got really, really good grades.) they didn't have to bribe me to behave, because i was an almost perfect child (i would have been perfect, except i had to deal with a little brother!) they didn't buy me something every time we went to the store, and i didn't throw a temper tantrum every time i didn't get what i wanted. so i don't know why as an adult i need rewards. but i do.

when i go to costco to stock up on tillamook cheddar cheese and frozen chicken breasts and wheat thins and broccoli, i also put something fun in my cart as a reward for braving the crowds and lines--a dvd or a top or some office supplies (no better reward than post-it notes and pens!)

after i do the laundry and get it all folded and put away, i sometimes sit down and eat jello with cool whip or some dark chocolate or maybe even ice cream.

vacuuming (my most hated of all household tasks!!) might result in dinner at jack-in-the-box or chick-fil-a.

but usually the reward is as simple as sitting down with a snack and watching a movie or settling down in the recliner with my book. my point is this: i am not motivated by a task well done--i am motivated by what is waiting for me at the end.

that is not to say that i don't feel some satisfaction when i complete a task. i love my house when everything is in it's place and is all dusted and vacuumed--i just don't like getting it there. i love tiny little plants looking all perky in newly turned soil--i just don't like weeding it after the planting is done. i love looking at bags full of stuff to donate to charity--i just don't like going through all the drawers and closets and cupboards and making all those decisions about what to keep and what to give away. i love to make lists and then mark stuff off as i complete it--i just don't like looking at the list at the end of the day and seeing how much is left to do. so although i do enjoy the result of my labor, i also need the promise of something wonderful to get me going . . .

but here's the problem with being motivated by rewards--as an adult, i don't HAVE to complete a task to get the reward. i can just decide to spend the whole day in bed with my book, regardless of if i get the yard work done. i can go to target and get a dvd WITHOUT having to brave the traffic and crowds and lines at costco. and i can watch tv in almost every room in my house--with a remote--without putting any laundry away.

as an adult, i have the power. i am in charge, both of tasks and rewards.

so maybe for now i will just close the door to the scary room--it will all still be there the next time i go in. i think i have done enough for one day. where's that ice cream . . . ?